New Years Resolutions 2015!

I know there may not be anyone reading these and that is ok. They are for me anyways. I use this blog as a place to document significant events in my life or something that I want to remember. My memory fails me more and more as I age and I hate that. So, in case you are reading these, I hope that they inspire you to set and fulfill your own goals for the coming year. 2014 was full of a lot of great memories, experiences and challenges. I am going to make a bullet list with the highlights of our year, not in chronological order:

  • We bought and moved into our first house in Florida back in January.
  • We have remodeled parts of our new home including Aidan’s bedroom, the guest room, the den and the studio. We have done changes here and there as well, including painting the outside of the house.
  • I traveled west across the country for the first time to Montana with Jess for Modern Day Moms so that we could learn what it’s like to go glamping. Boy, were we spoiled!
  • We took a small road trip north past Tampa to see the live mermaid show at Weeki Watchi Springs.
  • We also traveled to St. Pete to feed and hold live alligators.
  • We went to Tampa to go to MOSI – the Museum of Science and Industry. We ventured around the museum and Aidan also attended a Minecraft class.
  • Another adventure we took was to the Big Cat Habitat where we saw lots of exotic animals that had been rescued from circuses.
  • We have managed to buy a lot of new/used furniture for the house at amazing deals! Our best score was all of the furniture for the guest room: we only spent $85 on it!
  • I went PRN at Mothers & Infants and wound up quitting entirely before Christmas.
  • I committed to doing weekly DIY articles for Modern Day Moms.
  • My curtain business picked up for a few months, but I recently decided to put my focus towards doing pillows. I was hoping to have everything ready to launch a couple of months ago, but have been too busy to do so.
  • I was able to get all repairs done on my car that needed to be done. There were several and it is a huge relief to have that done.
  • I discovered that my first true love, Frank Kane, passed away April 8th of this year due to brain cancer. He was only 35.
  • Aidan moved to a new school and has done much better there. His teachers, etc have been very supportive and helpful in tending to Aidan’s needs. He started doing OT every morning as it is something they offer.
  • We’ve also donated to causes and people that we know to give back.

While there have been many ups, there have also been downs. Every year I adopt a motto that seems fitting as we move into the new year. Last years motto was “Less is more.” I have stuck to that as I have gone through and purged a lot of clutter and things we weren’t really putting to use. This year, my motto will be, “Shit could be worse,” because it always could be. The downs this year were heart-wrenching. Frank’s death impacted me more than anyone could truly understand. But, life goes on for me. I can’t dwell on the past and any regrets that I may have. I have to focus on being the best mother, wife and friend that I can be. Before listing my new resolutions, I want to review last year’s and tell whether or not I accomplished them.

  • Don’t commit to multiple projects. Do less and relax more. I kind of did this. When I would catch myself putting too much on my plate, I would slow down and sort things out in order of importance and spread them out over days or the time that I would need.
  • Focus on improving yourself and building up your family and the strength of your personal relationships. Most certainly! I’ve definitely took steps to work on improving and strengthening my relationship with my son and my husband. Those are more of resolutions…the rest are more like goals:
  • Visit family in Tennessee. Did not happen.
  • Do numerous Pinterest projects over the year for our new house. Yes! I even created some of my own DIYs. I made my own nautical lantern for the hallway and a rope mirror for Aidan’s bathroom. I’ve also made many, many other items and am currently working on my accent wall.
  • Go to the beach more often than last year. Nope. lol
  • Stop dwelling on past shit and live in the present while building my future. Let go of past hurts and shitty people. I think I did fairly well with this. When I grieved for losses this year, I tried not to stay stuck in the depression. Some days I allowed it because it was what I felt I needed to grieve and move forward. I would cry and be sad, then pull must out of it to get back to being strong for my son. He was my motivation to not be stuck. Certain past issues have not shadowed over me as they have in the past. I feel like I did pretty good at taking control of my life.
  • Do more for MDM. Research all kinds of interesting and fun topics and products! I committed to weekly DIYs. I stuck to a schedule for the most part. Sometimes I got behind, but I always tried to do a little extra here and there. Holidays and family visits are a distraction. hehe
  • Take Epsom Salt baths 3 times a week. Magnesium is very important and beneficial to our bodies and most of us don’t have enough. Not one bit. 3 baths a week?? What was I thinking? Haha. Maybe one bath a month since I have to use Aidan’s.
  • Exercise and drink water. Period. Always. nothing more than I usually do. We walked the neighborhood and parks, but nothing consistent or regular.
  • Resume couponing. Not like I did. I only coupon and get a few extra items whenever there are coupons for items I want in the Publix coupon ad.
  • When I don’t have orders for my shop, create a few new items to add to it and build my inventory. I have decided to change the focus of my business and that is just on pillows. I sold many more curtains this year, but no longer want to create them. I feel I could do better financially on pillows.


  • Go on more adventures and continue to make memories.
  • Stay organized and stick to routines that help keep me on track, like the menu and cleaning list.
  • Continue to live clutter-free!
  • Always eat dinner at the table and play relaxing music while we do.
  • Play more board games, etc.
  • Donate to brain cancer research every year. Please consider doing the same. This foundation was set up in memory of someone very dear to my heart: 11:11 Foundation in Memory of Frank Kane
  • Learn to forgive myself.
  • Learn to be more tolerant and not let nagging issues bother me.
  • Lose 30 pounds!
  • Make better choices for my health as far as food and drinks go. Cut way back on my carb intake. This means I really have to moderate my favorite beverage: Mello Yello. My ideal goal would be to treat myself every now and then, but if I could cut back to one a day, I’d be happy with that for now and could use it as a catalyst to improve upon.
  • Remodel the kitchen entirely.
  • Remodel Aidan’s bathroom.
  • Fix the insulation and install additional roof ventilation.
  • Trip to Tennessee. 3rd year’s a charm?
  • Continue to be grateful for the people in my life – past and present – and the memories they have helped me to have.
  • Be more patient and compassionate and loving. Soften those edges.
  • Continue to read books.
  • Hiking and walking needs to happen more often, especially with friends and family.
  • Learn to paddle board or buy a canoe…some kind of new recreational activity that requires more effort.
  • Pay off Lily and my Target card.

I might add to these as I remember more. I had a lot pop into my head over the past couple of weeks and I am sure that I am missing something. For the most part, my goal this year is to simply be more active and happy.

RIP Frank Kane

This morning I discovered that the only other man that I ever truly loved had passed away recently. He died April 8, 2014 from cancer and was only 35. I don’t know anymore specifics as I was not in touch with him or his family.

Frank and I met on AOL in 1998. I was Daezcey and he was DmntClwn. We met because of a mutual interest in Pearl Jam and ICP. We spoke online for a long time (3 years I believe) before we decided to meet. I flew to Philly to meet him and we were going to take a trip to Atlantic City, NJ. The first time I met him, I gave him a Kermit doll I had had since I was a little girl. He was a huge Jim Henson fan, so I knew this would please him. He sat on the bed studying it for several minutes and loved it. I imagine he still had it in his possession when he passed.

We met up several times and made it a tradition to spend New Years in a little town called Jim Thorpe every year. He was such a fun guy and had lots of lifelong friends. It was in Jim Thorpe 2002/2003 that I sabotaged our relationship because I just knew he was going to propose and the idea scared me. When I returned home, I called him one last time and just stopped talking to him. I have a lot of regret and guilt over this simply because I am sure I hurt him. That wasn’t my intention.

So here I am, 12 years later, learning that he had cancer and passed away. I am completely devastated even though I haven’t spoken to him after all these years. He had married a lifelong friend and they have a son who looks to be 3 or 4. It saddens me because now his son will grow up without his father as Frank did, although he was 13 when he lost his dad. Frank was an amazing and entertaining guy and I know he will be missed. I feel like a part of me has died today. I am thankful that he was such a huge part of my life and that we shared a lot of memories together.


i’ve understood feelings and i’ve understood words
but how could you be taken away?
and wherever you’ve gone
and wherever we might go
it don’t seem fair…today just disappeared
your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones, your light made us stars
with heavy breath, awakened regrets
back pages and days alone that could have been spent, together..
but we were miles apart
every inch between us becomes light years now
no time to be void or save up on life
you got to spend it all..

New Years Resolutions for 2014

I am a little late on these, but better late than never, right?

This year I really want to keep things to a minimum as I am always pushing myself to do more more more so that I am busy. I do this because I hate not being productive and relaxing causes me boredom and I think about myself and what I need to fix in me. If I’m productive, “Hey!! Look what I can do! Aren’t I awesome?”

So that leads me to the first two resolutions:

– Don’t commit to multiple projects. Do less and relax more.
– Focus on improving yourself and building up your family and the strength of your personal relationships.

Those are more of resolutions…the rest are more like goals:

-Visit family in Tennessee.
-Do numerous Pinterest projects over the year for our new house.
-Go to the beach more often than last year.
-Stop dwelling on past shit and live in the present while building my future. Let go of past hurts and shitty people.
-Do more for MDM. Research all kinds of interesting and fun topics and products!
-Take Epsom Salt baths 3 times a week. Magnesium is very important and beneficial to our bodies and most of us don’t have enough.
-Exercise and drink water. Period. Always.
-Resume couponing.
-When I don’t have orders for my shop, create a few new items to add to it and build my inventory.

That’s pretty much all that I have for this year. As the first one says, I am going to do less.

Now let’s review last years resolutions and how well I did!

1) Switch from buying meat at Walmart to Publix or Winn-Dixie. I did not do this one at all. :( Once I start couponing again, I will be able to. The meat there is a little more costly, but it won’t be an issue when we are no longer having to save for the house and I am couponing again.

2) Get rid of our cell phones. I have not done this because Mike’s contract is up in a couple of days and I didn’t want to change anything until I’m done with underwriters and house business. I had to use my payment history with them as a credit reference since I don’t have any debts.

3) Exercising is always on there. And once again I failed miserably. Part of my excuse is I have been too busy working full time, doing orders and tending to house business. That, and I do t have to space to work out at home right now. I will get to it.

4) Drink more water. I really do need to cut back on my Mello Yello intake and increase my water intake. It’s a very healthy imbalance right now.

5) Get a job, apply for a home loan and buy a house. Yes, yes and yes! I updated my resume, applied for one job and got it within a week! I started on May 6th then we started house hunting at the beginning of August. We are closing on our house January 16th! (In 12 days)

6) Pay off my car in about 9 months. I did that, only in less time!

7) Change my negative thinking and negative attitude. I have worked really hard on this one and feel as though I have made progress. I saw a therapist this year to deal with my grief and resentments over a certain issue as well as my fear of abandonment. As I mentioned before, one of my new goals is to really leave past hurts in the past and focus on what I can do today to be happy and enjoy my life.

8) Keep a spreadsheet of grocery spending, including my coupon hauls. I did this for a few months, then stopped because it was time consuming. I learned that I was spending an average of $240-290 a month on groceries as long as I was couponing.

9) Do more family oriented leisure activities and actually be physically involved. This one still needs improving, but 2013 was a very busy year for me. Once I started working evenings, I lost a lot of time with my family. I hope to regain that this year. It was worth it now that we have our own home again…in Florida!!

10) Continue to be actively involved in school activities and regularly have lunch with Aidan.   See above. I will definitely do this once I no longer have to work this same schedule.

11) Do at least 30 Pinterest projects. Oh, I have no idea how many I did, but I would say that I did at least half of this amount. I will be doing many more this year now that I have my own house to decorate again. :)

House Hunting

Here we are, 1 year and 2 months as Floridians and we are in the process of buying a home. Things have really worked out well for us since we moved here. Perhaps the timing was right, but I wish we had done it sooner….in 2004 when we first started talking about it. Oh well! C’est la vie.

When we visited a month before moving, we found a house that we fell in love with. We were not in a place to purchase though, so we let that idea go. We continued to torment ourselves cruising Trulia and dreaming of finding a home one day. Now that day has come. Another house we had found early this year came back on the market when we were close to being ready. So we pushed ourselves to be ready. I got my car paid off and applied for a loan again. As we were looking at making an offer on that house, a beautiful house popped up in the area behind it. I was still asking questions about the buying process and was a day late on getting an offer in on that one. I was completely devastated because I knew we could’ve had it. It was a gorgeous house with a pool:



We waited and waited to make sure the deal didn’t fall through and finally let go of hope for this house. It close last Friday. :(

I felt so saddened because there aren’t many houses in our price range available right now. The ones that are are in sucky areas. So we could be waiting a while.

Nope! Another house came on the market. We drove past it and before I even saw the inside of it, I put in an offer. This was 2 days after it came on the market. I viewed it two days ago and absolutely fell in love! This house is so perfect in every way. It is very spacious 1502 square feet and has a lovely, fenced-in back yard. It also has a room for an office/craft room…and it’s a really good size itself.

I am trying to not get too excited or attached to it, but my agent thinks we have a really good chance because of certain factors. We went in $10,000 over asking price. We will know next week if they accept our offer or not. It’s killing me.

I am not going to post any photos until we know the house is ours. I feel really good about it, though. I hope we get it because I am so ready to get out of this 624 sq ft house! I am ready to live in a nice, quiet area. I can’t wait to be able to decorate my house for my two favorite times of the year: Halloween and Christmas!

Celebrating one year as Floridians!

Exactly one year ago today, we uprooted our lives to fulfill our biggest dream/goal of moving to Florida. We had been planning it for years…since about 2005. We just wanted to wait until my step-children were 18 so that they didn’t feel that we abandoned them or didn’t care about watching them grow up. So we put our dream on hold for 7 years so that we could be a part of their lives until they came into adulthood.

Prior to moving, we suffered a lot of instability from a rocky marriage, financial struggles and then the trauma of the tornado and moving. We lost our home that Mike had had for over 10 years and as heartbreaking as that was, we believe it was meant to be. We no longer had the burden of worrying about trying to sell it when it came time to move.

We saved our insurance money, income tax refund and what we could from work and we made it happen. We had a little over $7,000 to move on. About $1,200 of it went to the truck rental and gas. On June 20th we packed up every bit of our belongings (except for a few things) and loaded them onto our truck. We stayed the night at my in-laws house then hit the road around 8:30am.


We drove as long as we could because we only had 4 days with the truck and we were already on day two. We made it to Gainesville as the sun was setting and decided to stop there. I found a room in a lodge for 50% off thanks to the app. We called it a night there.


We got up early and headed to Sarasota, which was only a few hours away. We made it around noon and decided to start looking for places to live in the papers and other listings. We had absolutely no luck and I was getting discouraged. We also had a 24′ truck full of our stuff with Mikes car hitched to the back that we had to do something with. We only had one day left. That night we decided to put our stuff in storage the next day. Luckily the super nice lady at Budget let us park the truck around back and leave it since we couldn’t park it anywhere else. That night Tropical Storm Debby moved in on us. The next day we found ourselves moving all of our stuff in the midst of pouring rain and 40mph winds. We also discovered the truck had a leak in the front of the cab and that some of our stuff was ruined.

We felt relieved to get all of that put away and it was one less worry to deal with. That took us almost all day to do, though.

So, here we are homeless trying to figure out where we are going to stay. We stayed in hotels except for one night, we slept in my car in my cousin’s driveway. That was also during the storm.

So for the next few days we drove around and drove around and drove around looking for for rent signs. Finally, one week after arriving, we found our house! It’s 624 sq. ft., $700 a month and we are making it work. We have a nice back yard (except for the ants) and a roof over our head. It has its issues, but as long as it wasn’t nasty, I am good with it.

Mike got a job very quickly and is making $7 more an hour than he had been and I have been able to keep working from home. Or just be a SAHM. I rekindled my friendship with my friend Jess and since then, I have joined forces with her to contribute to her website, which is now a national parenting publication. It is fun! I get to review (and mostly keep) popular products and I will be traveling as well.

So, we’ve been here for a year. We have celebrated holidays together here for the first time. Aidan started kindergarten here. And now we are working on buying our own home. I had to get a job so that we could put the loan solely in my name. Mike’s credit took a beating in 2011 when we lost the house and all. I currently am working towards paying off my car so that my loan amount will double. Thanks to one of the residents where Mike works, we have a nice little car that we can sell to help with that. We will be able to get most of what I need to pay off my car. As soon as we get that done, we’ll be house hunting (I’m guessing in a month).

We have absolutely fallen in love with Sarasota and will never leave here. We know some of our family thought we’d get homesick and move back, but that’s far from it. We are home! I will die here. Aidan says he doesn’t even want to go back to Tennessee to visit. lol When I mention it, he almost has a fit.

So things have really worked out well for us here. We are finally afloat and able to live our lives comfortably. This is the best thing we ever did for ourselves and I wish we could have done it sooner. I’m just happy that I finally found my way home. I do miss my family, but we can always visit. Hopefully we can find a house with enough space for family to stay. That really shouldn’t be hard to do…there are so many houses here that are cheap.

It’s just funny to look back and think of where we were a year ago, but its amazing to see all of the things that have just fallen into our laps. I am so happy here!

New Years Resolutions 2013

I may add more to these soon.

1) Switch from buying meat at Walmart to Publix or Winn-Dixie. In the last month, I have had to return meat (2 sausage rolls and one roll of ground beef) to Walmart because the outside of it was rotten. I have another roll I just purchased yesterday and I am hoping that it’s ok, but either way, I have decided to buy from somewhere that may be more trustworthy. It may be a little more expensive, but that’s ok.

2) Get rid of our cell phones. I’m pretty sure both of our contracts are up some time this year, so when they are I want to cancel. Our service sucks anyways and we don’t really use them much. We pay $175 a month for them. We can still play games and stuff via Wi-Fi, so we wouldn’t lose everything. But, I just don’t want to pay half a car payment for phones that we rarely use and when we do use them they suck ass. When we want to talk to family or friends, we can use Skype. And we will purchase some pre-paid phones that you can buy minutes for to use for emergencies or quick calls.

3) Exercising is always on there. I NEVER do this one, but this year I am determined. So determined that I started exercising today! I also have a bike now and we received a pull-behind buggy to drive Aidan around in. And Aidan received a bike from Santa that attaches to the back of ours so he can learn to balance and peddle along with one of us! We all have bikes now, so there is no excuse to get out and about more often! We have nice walkways and parks just minutes from us.

4) Drink more water. This one is always on there, too. I did good this past year until we moved. I would drink only 1 Mello Yello a day then I’d have 2 Propels a day as well. But those are expensive and I hate regular water. And those mixes taste like shit, too. If I could cut back on the MY, I’d have a little extra money for the Propels. As it is, I spend $4.50 a week on sodas. I could stretch a 12 pack to last me 12 days. That’s almost two weeks, so that cuts my amount in half for those ($2.25). The other half would buy me about 5 Propels. :( I would have to spend $7 a week on Propel + my $2.25 for MY. That’s a lot for drinks. Maybe I could do one Propel a day, one MY and some tea. That would be about $7 a week for all of my drinks. That’s not so bad, but then we have Mike’s drinks to add to that. :\ On average we spend about $25 a week on drinks: milk, soda, ginger ale, juice and sugar for the tea.

5) Get a job, apply for a home loan and buy a house. I really want this to happen this year. I need a place to call my own that I can make into a home. This house is not home. Plus, all those Pinterest projects are screaming at me, waiting for me to create them. And not to mention, my stockpile needs a place where it can stretch it legs and expand some more. If I had $85,000, I’d have my dream house in my dream neighborhood right now.

6) Pay off my car in about 9 months. I am going to get a job and make double payments on my car, which should get it paid off in 9 months or less (probably 7 months). That way that debt will be removed from me and getting a home loan would be easier and I’d get a larger amount. I would probably only need $8,000 to pay it off right now. I created a plan for this, which could be altered to use tax refund to help pay it off quicker, but I want to have money saved for closing costs, etc for the house.

7) Change my negative thinking and negative attitude. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot that makes me happy. There has been hardship and turmoil over the last few years, but nothing that I won’t survive and come out stronger from. I just need to stop being sarcastic, cynical, pessimistic and rude. I need to stop making jabs at my husband and focus on why I do love him and want to be with him.

8) Keep a spreadsheet of grocery spending, including my coupon hauls. I am curious to see exactly how much I spend in a month and eventually, a year. I have set a budget for $60 a week. I try to stay around that, but I haven’t at times. I would just like to see exactly how much I am spending/saving. That way I can work on doing better and beat that!

9) Do more family oriented leisure activities and actually be physically involved. For instance, instead of taking Aidan to the park and sitting on the bench the whole time, get up and play with him at times. Start riding our bikes places. Add to our list of possible activities and do them!

10) Continue to be actively involved in school activities and regularly have lunch with Aidan.  Do more at home to teach. Be actively involved in home with Aidan’s activities as well.

11) Do at least 30 Pinterest projects. Yesss!


This is a comment on FB that I read and just had to respond to:

Bama is the worse president in histery the only reason he got reelected 4 more years is because he is black cause he didnt do anything the first 4 yrs to deserve another term and im not being racist but what i say is the truth lots of people think it but wont say it

My response:

I voted for him both times, but not because he was black. I don’t think he was re-elected because he was black. And I don’t think lots of people think it. Maybe what you mean is that a lot of people have a problem with him being president because he’s black. There are too many people nowadays who want to play the race card, including whites. They want to see only what they want and that is the fact that he hasn’t whipped this country into shape….and that must be because he’s BLACK. I have news for you and every other narrow-minded person. Bush and other preceding presidents are the ones who fucked this country up. It will take many terms and several presidents to even begin to make a huge impact. So next time you expect a miracle, why don’t you pray for one?

Growing up.

Even at my age (33), I am still growing up. I am still learning how to deal with life’s little obstacles and my own personal challenges.

Forgiveness is something that I have recently learned how to do. I have learned what it means to forgive, that it isn’t dismissing another person’s actions, but releasing yourself from the anger and resentment that you held onto. It is a way of saying that you are no longer going to be held captive by the emotions you experienced after someone hurt you.

Several years back….probably 2004, I had a LiveJournal account and was searching for anyone in Cleveland (I was somewhat new to the area) who was like me. I was 1.5 hours from home and my friends/co-workers. I only had my husband and his family. So I sought out to see if there was anyone like me on there. Well, I only found 2 people from Cleveland on there at that time. And one of them had some common interests as me.

I started following her blog and commenting, trying to spark up small-talk and let her know that I was local to her as well. We became blog friends and often commented on each others’ posts. To make a long story shorter, we both wound up moving our blogs to Blogger, then eventually here at WordPress.

At one point, I had asked her if she’d do a photo shoot for me. I did artistic photography and had an idea I thought she’d be perfect for. We set up a time to meet at Books-A-Million and she never showed. I was bummed, but never bothered her with it.

In 2006 we both were pregnant – I was a few months ahead of her. So, we shared a lot about our experiences and of course, we began to blog about it. Our blogs became our way of offering advice and showing what we learned as new mommies. We wound up networking with other similar blogs.

To continue on trying to make this a short story, I’ll wrap things up as best I can.

She was a SAHM and I had 4 months of maternity leave and returned to work just on the weekends. She had expressed wanting to find a way to work from home; she needed something to do. She had started doing the blogging to get paid thing, but it wasn’t enough. Since I knew her background, I suggested that she get back into website development/design. This is something else she and I had in common. I did it in the late 90s and she did it in the early-mid 2000s.

So she did (I’m not saying it was all my idea…she had mentioned it and I strongly encouraged it because I knew how much fun it was).

She started up a site around the time that blogging was becoming huge. And everyone wanted their own cute little design. And she did good work. Well, it took off for her. I was happy to see that for her, but at the same time I thought, “Why the hell am I not following my own advice?!? I could work from home, too!”

But a lot had happened since the 90s as far as design and development. CSS didn’t exist when I stopped playing around with it. So I had a lot to catch up on. I spent the next few months buying books to help me with this and when I felt good about it, I decided to start something up for myself. At the time I still had a LOT to learn. I got a few jobs and started off slowly. I never really advertised or put myself out there that much.

But her business really sky-rocketed. And I think it was probably more than she could handle. During this time, we had met up and went out a couple of times. Then she moved to Florida. She began to draw back from any comments I had made to her and she deleted me from her accounts. Stupid me kept trying to pursue a friendship with her because we had a lot in common and I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to be friends. She added me back and gave me some lame excuse and I accepted it.

On we trekked.

One of my clients came to me…I think they had gotten a quote from her and said it was more than they wanted to spend…they never said who they had gotten quotes from, just a couple of other sites. They brought an idea to me and even had a graphic – which was a pretty popular graphic (the artist is well known and is used by TONS of businesses now, including a Cleveland women’s magazine). I thought nothing of it. Well, I gave her a quote and never heard from her again. So, I had the graphic and thought, “Nice! I didn’t have to buy it!” So I used it for one of my personal sites. Well, my friend contacted me and said it was hers because she had altered it for her site. After her explanation, I realized that yes…it probably was hers that this person jacked…although I don’t know how.

After this, I never heard anything from her again. I had explained the situation and pleaded my innocence, but I still think she believes that I did it. Which is ok…fine. I probably would, too.

This was about 2.5 years ago. She deleted me and blocked me from Facebook and we never exchanged another word. Shortly after that, she sold both her design business and a well-renowned blog she had created. A few months after that, a popular blog exposed why…she had allegedly been scamming people through her design business. She defends that it is in the Terms of Service and what-not, but people weren’t buying it. They all banned together to drag her name through the mud.

I was shocked, but really not that surprised. I felt like she had done me wrong, so why wouldn’t she wrong others? I just laughed it off and was thankful to no longer be associated with her. I had also heard through some of our mutual blog friends things that she had told them about me. Hurtful things: she had said that she thought I was a stalker because of the things I did that she did (doing websites and other things we had in common) and that we weren’t really friends…she just did it because I wouldn’t go away.

At first I was really hurt. But then I grew angry. I thought about all of the reasons why she would say this, then it occurred to me that she was taking our similar interests and backgrounds and dreams and turning it into a negative thing. In 2009 she moved to where I had been planning to move since 2005. This was shortly after I met her and WAY before she ever mentioned it. I’ve loved Betsey Johnson since I was a teen….DEFINITELY WAY before I knew her and before she ever mentioned liking her products. I did begin to design and develop as a business after she did, but let’s not forget that I had done it since the late 90s, when GeoCities was the thing to do and Webrings were the way to network. Wonder if she knows about that? I even have my old sites printed on paper. We also love tattoos. These are the only reasons, other than moving with her from blog platform to blog platform – but that’s because she recommended them to me – that I could think of for her to say that. Yes I continued to pursue a friendship with her.

Why did I want to be friends with someone who had stood me up, who had deleted me on several occasions and  who had referred to me as a stalker? I really don’t know. I eventually let it go and moved on with my life. I wasn’t going to let one person affect me. But it did. It bothered me. So when I found the site that exposed her wrongdoings, I joined in and added info about her. I took the opportunity to say bad things about her….well, they were truthful, but it just helped to make her look even more like a bad guy. I felt like it was a way to get back at her.

A year passed and another post was made saying that she had made her amends and was trying to do right because she was starting another business venture – blogging. Nothing new for her and kind of similar to one of her old sites.

Well, I called bullshit and posted a short comment on my thoughts. Those old feeling resurfaced. Dammit! Why did I have to know about this post?? I’d rather keep the past in the past.

A couple of weeks or so later, I received an email from my old friend. She confronted me about the things I had said and asked me to stop. I explained why I did what I did, but it was no excuse. I admitted that she had hurt me (something I am not keen on doing) and apologized for the posts. If I could delete them, I would.

There are parts of my past that I wish I could erase, but I can’t. So what I have been trying to do is make amends to others if others are affected and forgive those who did me wrong.

And I did that with her. She did that with me.

It feels good to close the door on that chapter and walk away feeling like it won’t resurface or come up to haunt me again. Her last message was “Let’s chat sometime, Wendy.” I have to admit that I do not feel inclined to contact her further on my own initiative because I do not want the possibility of her referring to me as a stalker again.

I know that have grown up, but I can’t verify that she has. I do not know her intentions as we have not kept in touch for years. It is hard to gauge someone’s intentions when you became strangers after a falling apart….yes I am a little guarded. But now that we live in the same city again, at least I don’t have to worry about any awkward moments if I run into her at Target or something.

I just respect that she contacted me and was appropriate in doing so.