Surprised. Devastated. Sad. Confused.
These are all words that describe exactly how I was feeling 4 years ago today.
I had left my job where I currently work to get a job closer to home. I wound up working a day and a half and said, “Forget this!” I called my boss from the parking lot before I left and got my job back. It was almost 2 weeks before I returned there and during that time, I was stressed. The amount of stress doesn’t even compare to what it is now, but that’s another story (that you’ve heard a million times over).
I was at home on the couch and suddenly got these cramping pains as if I were PMSing really bad. At one point I was actually taking deep breaths as if I were in labor and I was lying on my couch. I called my husband (then boyfriend) and told him what was going on and told him to come home as soon as he could. This time felt like forever, but in reality it was relatively short-lived.
I wound up going to the bathroom shortly after this happened and discovered that I miscarried our first child. I didn’t even know that I was pregnant, although I was concerned and that was part of the stressor of being in between jobs. I’ll spare the details as it is not something I wish to share here.
I was mortified. I wasn’t ready for a child then, but I wasn’t ready for Aidan either. Truth is, is you never really are. And as time passes on, I want that child back even more. As I look at Aidan, I wonder where we’d be now if our first baby was here. I know things would be different and we might not have Aidan, but who knows. It still doesn’t make it any more relieving. It doesn’t make the situation more bearable.
And of course, I always think that this was probably my little girl. And hubs agrees. I’ve always wanted two children: a boy and a girl. I don’t think it’s in the cards for me now, but yet that’s another story.
Looking back on this as a mommy makes me feel as though a part of me was denied. Why? Maybe it was for the better, but that is another excuse that does not make things feel any less painful.
It all makes me very sad to think about, but I do have a wonderfully supportive and loving family to help me – and the rest of us – get through this. I don’t hold any of this against anyone spiritually because I am a strong believer in fate: what is meant to be is meant to be. I certainly don’t ever look at my son and wish he was my first child. I would NEVER replace him!! He is the greatest gift I have ever received on this Earth. I just wish that we could all be together, healthy and happy.
