I hate having realistic dreams.

Last night/this morning I had a horrible dream where I dreamt that my husband was at a show playing again (because he wants to) and he was with this girl like she was his girlfriend. He and I were married and we had Aidan just like we do now.

I walked up and started saying something to him and she turns around and I just target her. I grabbed her and squished her forehead until I heard it crack. She was out and I thought she was dead. I just knew I had overdone it and was going to lose my life to prison.

I went home hoping the cops couldn’t figure out who had done it.

The next day I returned to the area I knew Mike would be (some trailer park) and I saw him walking outside looking happy, still in his show clothes. I went to the trailer he would be at and that girl was there asleep.

I invited myself in and she woke up. I said some words to her about what kind of person Mike is, trying to warn her about his flaws. She said something about how she would accept him no matter what, then he walked in.

I turned to him and basically started telling him that he obviously didn’t love me anymore, but that isn’t what matters. I told him he needs to either choose his son or her. I told him that she’d never replace what I’ve given him and she’s obviously just a skank and can be picked up by anyone.

I then pulled out two pictures and told him he’d need to choose his son and flashed a picture of Aidan to him or his new baby and I flashed an ultrasound to him. (He didn’t know about the baby) He got tears in his eyes and I just left.

Now, I’m not saying I’m pregnant or that that is going to happily happen for us right now. In my dreams, that would be something I’d use as bait to pull my husband back. Like Aidan and I aren’t enough.

And that’s what makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve been a less than desirable person overall for the past 2 or 3 years. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My husband is not with the same person he married.

I know a baby changes everything, but I honestly don’t think it’s the baby in this case. I think it is my job. It has made me a jaded and bitter person. Any anger or remorse or shame that I feel because of that place comes out at home…on the ones who I love and who matter the most to me.

I think the only thing that can fix this is me just leaving. Therapy, meds and simply just talking it out won’t make it any better, I know.

I know my husband wants to feel more youthful as he is getting older. I know what he wants and I have it in me, I’ve just been kind of oblivious to everything in my life except for work and money.

I think the girl in my dreams represents the person I want to be. I want to be OK with my husband’s flaws and not nit-pick at him over every stupid thing. I want to still be pretty and youthful looking, like the woman he met back in 2002. I want to make him happy in every way known to man…not all the time, but for it to outweigh the grumpy times. I want to be an awesome wife and mother in his eyes; one that is irreplaceable.

I will try my hardest to manage myself better once I step away from work.  I’ll leave it all there even though it is difficult as of late, but I can do it. I will work on being a more patient and less stubborn and neurotic wife and mother. I want to be serene and enjoy the things that make me happy. I want to get back to doing the things we used to do like sitting by the fire outside in the evenings. I want to get in shape and work on my endurance so that I’m not exhausted all of the time.

I’ve already been working on some of these, but the addict in me wants everything better instantly. I’ve got to be realistic because this isn’t dreamland.

3 year anniversary and the circle…went missing.

My husband is clumsy….let it be known.

The week of our 3 year anniversary (6-6-09) he was working for his brother building an outside entertainment building/pation thingy. He and the guy he was working with decided that since it has been warm lately that they are going to take a dip in the river.

When my husband did, and was pushing his way back to the top, his ring slipped off. Now granted, he had half his hand cut off years ago and when it was put back together, his ring finger was still all messed up. His left arm is not as built as his right just because he doesn’t have the same strength from all of the damage. I mean, he’s lucky he can even use it as well as he does! He can still play guitar and was told he wouldn’t be able to (which would have killed him).

Anyways.

Knowing that everytime he showers, it slips off didn’t come to mind before he jumped into a HUGE body of water.

So his wedding band is lost.

And this makes me really sad. This is the ring I slipped on his hand when we exchanged vows. And he just kind of acted like it was no big deal.

He then proceeded to ask me if I’d tattoo a ring on his finger.

This kind of irritated me because he instantly wants to replace the circle of love I had put on his finger with a new tattoo.

I just don’t know what I want to do. Part of me wants him to put on a scuba mask and dive for it. (It’s a relatively shallow area) The other part just says get another one exactly like it (hoping I can find one).

May 4, 2002

Let’s travel back to the early 2000s when we were not involved in an unjustified war and gas was probably about $1.90 a gallon. Ahhh….those were the days. We could actually travel to the river or drive across town to go shopping without any worries of how much it will cost us to do so. We didn’t have to budget $50 out of our money just to be able to cruise with the windows down on a Sunday drive.

I was planning to move to Philadelphia nad marry the man I had known via the internet for about 5 years. I had visited him several times before all of this and knew it was the decision to make.

The bad thing was at this time I was drinking heavily and being a stupid 23 year old. I frequented a bar called The Prince Deli that my godfather owned. Many bands came through their doors and there were always awesome shows. Bands like Skinlab, BILE, Nocturne (Lacey from Rock of Love 1’s band) and Ten Years, just to name a few.

One night I came in after working at my new job (where I currently work) and saw these freaks on stage wearing white and black makeup and dressed all gothic-like. I was interested!

I sat down right in front of their rhythm guitarist and studied them. Mostly I studied him because he was HOT!!! He noticed me gawking at him – I probably had drool hanging several inches from my jaw and a glazed look in my eyes – and he started making weird faces at me. I fell in love with his hands. He had such nice hands. I’m a sucker for a man with a pair of good ones.

Sami didn’t like them because he thought one of their songs was called “Killing Christians” and vowed to never let them play there again. I laughed.

After they were done I asked if they had another CD and the guitarist jumped quickly to answer to my want. He brought back a CD, a shirt and a bumper sticker. We said maybe one sentence together the whole night.

I went to the bathroom and discovered upon my return that they had left. I was crushed.

I figured I’d never see them again. Sami didn’t have their info any longer. A few months later, I thought about him again and wanted to find him. I searched high and low and FINALLY found their website. I contacted the guitarist and started talking to him.

At first he told me he had a girlfriend so I left him alone. Then they broke up and he contacted me to tell me this. We exchanged emails for a short while until they tried to work things out again. I was upset, but moved on. About 5 months or so later, he sent me an email saying that she had moved out so he was available.

We wound up calling each other on a regualar basis. We agreed to meet each other in person on November 30th. Now remember, I had never seen him without makeup so I had no idea what to expect.

I drove 100 miles to his house. I met him at a gas station down the street first. I went inside to pee and when I came out, he was sitting in his car. He looked all creepy and I started getting nervous. I followed him into his house and he finally turned around and I was in awe. He looked different, but was still cute. Even cuter!!

I knew within two weeks I wanted to be with him. I left Frank and here I am: married to Mike!!