I hate having realistic dreams.

Last night/this morning I had a horrible dream where I dreamt that my husband was at a show playing again (because he wants to) and he was with this girl like she was his girlfriend. He and I were married and we had Aidan just like we do now.

I walked up and started saying something to him and she turns around and I just target her. I grabbed her and squished her forehead until I heard it crack. She was out and I thought she was dead. I just knew I had overdone it and was going to lose my life to prison.

I went home hoping the cops couldn’t figure out who had done it.

The next day I returned to the area I knew Mike would be (some trailer park) and I saw him walking outside looking happy, still in his show clothes. I went to the trailer he would be at and that girl was there asleep.

I invited myself in and she woke up. I said some words to her about what kind of person Mike is, trying to warn her about his flaws. She said something about how she would accept him no matter what, then he walked in.

I turned to him and basically started telling him that he obviously didn’t love me anymore, but that isn’t what matters. I told him he needs to either choose his son or her. I told him that she’d never replace what I’ve given him and she’s obviously just a skank and can be picked up by anyone.

I then pulled out two pictures and told him he’d need to choose his son and flashed a picture of Aidan to him or his new baby and I flashed an ultrasound to him. (He didn’t know about the baby) He got tears in his eyes and I just left.

Now, I’m not saying I’m pregnant or that that is going to happily happen for us right now. In my dreams, that would be something I’d use as bait to pull my husband back. Like Aidan and I aren’t enough.

And that’s what makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve been a less than desirable person overall for the past 2 or 3 years. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My husband is not with the same person he married.

I know a baby changes everything, but I honestly don’t think it’s the baby in this case. I think it is my job. It has made me a jaded and bitter person. Any anger or remorse or shame that I feel because of that place comes out at home…on the ones who I love and who matter the most to me.

I think the only thing that can fix this is me just leaving. Therapy, meds and simply just talking it out won’t make it any better, I know.

I know my husband wants to feel more youthful as he is getting older. I know what he wants and I have it in me, I’ve just been kind of oblivious to everything in my life except for work and money.

I think the girl in my dreams represents the person I want to be. I want to be OK with my husband’s flaws and not nit-pick at him over every stupid thing. I want to still be pretty and youthful looking, like the woman he met back in 2002. I want to make him happy in every way known to man…not all the time, but for it to outweigh the grumpy times. I want to be an awesome wife and mother in his eyes; one that is irreplaceable.

I will try my hardest to manage myself better once I step away from work.  I’ll leave it all there even though it is difficult as of late, but I can do it. I will work on being a more patient and less stubborn and neurotic wife and mother. I want to be serene and enjoy the things that make me happy. I want to get back to doing the things we used to do like sitting by the fire outside in the evenings. I want to get in shape and work on my endurance so that I’m not exhausted all of the time.

I’ve already been working on some of these, but the addict in me wants everything better instantly. I’ve got to be realistic because this isn’t dreamland.

Business as usual.

Aside from working my “normal” job, I have been putting in a lot of hours focusing on getting my new business up and running. So, to say the least, I have been a very busy woman over the past couple of months.

I live at work half the week (that’s 84 hours in case you didn’t already add that up), so that only leaves me the other 3.5 days to take care of all my personal business. That means: spend time with Aidan, take him to the park, buy groceries, pay bills, balance my checkbook, entertain my husband, create new designs for my business then update the coding on my site, clean house and relax. Oh yeah, I forgot that I have to cook and sleep in this time, too.

Relax…pssshhhh.

I honestly can’t wait for the day that I live a semi-normal life where I only work about 40 hours a week and I’m home everyday. I’d love to work from home eventually and I know it will happen one day. I am too determined for it not to.

In the midst of all this, Mike and I are talking about our hopes and dreams. We want to live near the beach where it is warm year round. We decided about 2 years or so ago that it will be Florida. It started out with Ocala, but we have moved even further south to Bradenton. We have teetered with the notion of moving to Sarasota, but my heart is set on Bradenton. It just seems to fit right. It’s closer to Tampa, which means better jobs for both of us (if I’m not working from home already).

We are doing everything in our power to make this happen ASAP. We think it may be possible this time next year. That all just depends on some things falling into place and us working our finances.

Keep your fingers crossed for us….only one more winter….hopefully!

2009 New Year’s Resloutions

So far, this is what I have and I think it’s enough. I may add to it as time goes. And they are NOT in order of importance.

New Year’s Resolutions:

• As always, I include eat healthier, exercise more and drink more water on my list. Do I ever do them? Not really. Although I must say for 2008 I did choose healthier eating habits. I stuck to eating 5 small meals a day (except for a few times) and I decreased my Mello Yello intake. Those were all on my list last year.

• For 2009 I’d like to have my new website design business up and going. I will shoot at having this goal completed by January. I already launched it, but had to tweak a few things on it as well as some of my knowledge.

• Buy more books on website and graphic design as well as any other book that may help with that.
• Save money when we can and pay off bills early when we can. Mike should inherit his money from his grandfather’s house sometime early this year so we will put that as well as our income taxes towards paying off my Citifinancial loan.

• Try to sell Mike’s car and pay off his Citifinancial loan.

• Repair the strain in my family. Learn to love my husband the way I used to and show my son all the love In the world that I can. Teach Aidan as much as he is willing and capable of learning. Spend more time together as a whole. Do things we’ve never done.

• Redo my photography website. Eventually purchase hosting through wordpress and have a photography blog, or purchase space through  HostGator.com.

Never enough time.

Jim Croce said it best: there’s never enough time to do the things you want to do.

And money.

That’s my addition.

The hardest thing about starting my new business is that I just don’t have enough time to work when I’m home. I can only work when I’m home the 3 1/2 days I’m here. Cram. Bam. Thank you mam!

I try to relax as well since work is demanding, and home is too with having a toddler running around. I hope that when the time comes, it will be easy for me to transition from PV to working at home. I just don’t want to make that call and business not be good for me afterwards. I have no doubt in my mind that I will do good work, it’s just frustrating worrying so much about my performance level that I’m afraid clients may not have the patience to wait. See, designing a website can take some time, especially just the writing out the code part. So far it has taken me about a month on Stella’s site and it’s almost done. I know at times she was ready to have it done already. Same for me.

It probably wouldn’t have taken me as long had I not had to be confined at work with no internet for 84 hours a week.

I really can’t wait to be a WAHM and I am being hopeful. I really want this to work for me! Mostly because I am burnt out on being a counselor and being in a therapeutic environment. I’ve done my time. 9 years to be exact.

I’m ready to have fun designing!