I hate having realistic dreams.

Last night/this morning I had a horrible dream where I dreamt that my husband was at a show playing again (because he wants to) and he was with this girl like she was his girlfriend. He and I were married and we had Aidan just like we do now.

I walked up and started saying something to him and she turns around and I just target her. I grabbed her and squished her forehead until I heard it crack. She was out and I thought she was dead. I just knew I had overdone it and was going to lose my life to prison.

I went home hoping the cops couldn’t figure out who had done it.

The next day I returned to the area I knew Mike would be (some trailer park) and I saw him walking outside looking happy, still in his show clothes. I went to the trailer he would be at and that girl was there asleep.

I invited myself in and she woke up. I said some words to her about what kind of person Mike is, trying to warn her about his flaws. She said something about how she would accept him no matter what, then he walked in.

I turned to him and basically started telling him that he obviously didn’t love me anymore, but that isn’t what matters. I told him he needs to either choose his son or her. I told him that she’d never replace what I’ve given him and she’s obviously just a skank and can be picked up by anyone.

I then pulled out two pictures and told him he’d need to choose his son and flashed a picture of Aidan to him or his new baby and I flashed an ultrasound to him. (He didn’t know about the baby) He got tears in his eyes and I just left.

Now, I’m not saying I’m pregnant or that that is going to happily happen for us right now. In my dreams, that would be something I’d use as bait to pull my husband back. Like Aidan and I aren’t enough.

And that’s what makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve been a less than desirable person overall for the past 2 or 3 years. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My husband is not with the same person he married.

I know a baby changes everything, but I honestly don’t think it’s the baby in this case. I think it is my job. It has made me a jaded and bitter person. Any anger or remorse or shame that I feel because of that place comes out at home…on the ones who I love and who matter the most to me.

I think the only thing that can fix this is me just leaving. Therapy, meds and simply just talking it out won’t make it any better, I know.

I know my husband wants to feel more youthful as he is getting older. I know what he wants and I have it in me, I’ve just been kind of oblivious to everything in my life except for work and money.

I think the girl in my dreams represents the person I want to be. I want to be OK with my husband’s flaws and not nit-pick at him over every stupid thing. I want to still be pretty and youthful looking, like the woman he met back in 2002. I want to make him happy in every way known to man…not all the time, but for it to outweigh the grumpy times. I want to be an awesome wife and mother in his eyes; one that is irreplaceable.

I will try my hardest to manage myself better once I step away from work.  I’ll leave it all there even though it is difficult as of late, but I can do it. I will work on being a more patient and less stubborn and neurotic wife and mother. I want to be serene and enjoy the things that make me happy. I want to get back to doing the things we used to do like sitting by the fire outside in the evenings. I want to get in shape and work on my endurance so that I’m not exhausted all of the time.

I’ve already been working on some of these, but the addict in me wants everything better instantly. I’ve got to be realistic because this isn’t dreamland.

medicine au natural.

Last week on the Martha Stewart show there was a doctor there talking about natural ways of dealing with problems instead of being quick to seek a doctor’s assistance.

He said that in the 50s  1% of Americans had at least one prescribed medicine they were on (something like that) and that nowadays 81% of Americans have at least one prescribed medication.

I was amazed, but not really surprised. We are a society where we expect speedy service and instant results. Pop a pill and instantly feel better.

I’ve never been an advocate of medicine. In fact, if you’ve followed my blog you’ve read that I don’t really like going to see the doctor anyways. I’ve always believed that time and natural ways are really helpful. Since being in the field of psychology and learning more technically about some mental illnesses, I understand that medicine is sometimes a necessity.

But for me, I think I can change parts of my lifestyle and it will be a catalyst for feeling better.

The doctor said for anxiety to practice breathing techniques. For depression, try fish oil.

I am incorporating both of these into my daily routine. I am also going to cut back on my caffeine intake and start exercising more. I have just been doing basic crunches and sit-ups for starters whenever I feel like it. I’m going to try and be more regimented about it.

When I was 10 I wanted to be a bodybuilder. Honestly. I worked out religiously. My mother bought me Weider books and a Weider workout bench and I used the hell out of it. At night in my room I did lots of exercising. I may have been obsessed a little much for my age.

Regardless, I was in great shape. I had energy. I had abs. I felt happy.

I did this until I was about 16 when I got sick from it. I wasn’t eating enough calories to put up with my outtake. I weighed 96 lbs. I needed to get healthier and put off the exercising.

It all faltered from here.

When I was 24 I decided that I wanted to get in shape. I had been drinking and had put on weight on my ass. Running is too hard on my knees (pain from growing and weight-lifting simultaneously). I started walking. I would walk at a regular pace on Mondays. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I’d power-walk. Fridays I’d tear up the pavement. I started with a mile and would increase it every week.

I eventually got up to 8 miles a day before quitting due to cold weather. That’s 40 miles a week! I felt wonderful.

I would love to get back to that since walking and crunches focus on my target area.

I just need the motivation.

And a dogless neighborhood.

I found a classmate on Facebook who has gotten herself into awesome shape. I don’t want to be as muscular as she is. Her name is Carlene Steenekamp and her website is here. It’s very inspiring since she had 3 kids and was able to get her body in that kind of shape in just a year.

I just want to be firm and toned. No dunlap disease. No muffin-top. No cottage cheese.

Give me health, endurance and longevity!

And nice legs.

Smoke free for a while now.

Several months ago after getting sick for the first time in the winter, Idecided to stop smoking. First it was because the taste mixed with my sickness and screwed up taste buds was a little bit like licking an ash tray full of old cigarette butts.

Disgusting, I know.

I stopped and decided that I was done. I hadn’t smoked since when I was first pregnant (and had just found out). So I had stayed away for almost 2 years when I picked up again in February of 2008. I continued to smoke (maybe a pack a week) until about mid-November of 2008.

I have managed to not even want one, think about them or crave them for this long. I am actually very repulsed by the smell of people after they’ve been smoking. They smell like that same dirty ash tray smell, especially if they smoke the el cheapos.

Anywhoo. I am proud of myself. Once before when I tried to quit I got the 7 month itch and I’m hoping that doesn’t happen. I’m coming up on 7 months now.

Sinus toothache?

My jaw at the bend is SOOO sore right now and has been since last night. Now, my sinus infection is breaking apart because I have to blow my nose every minute of the day. But is it possible for the sinus infection to make it feel like I have a bad toothache??

It’s all a game of Russian Roulette….what kind of person our next President will be.

So I read a post today about Obama visiting a church in SC recently. Go here if you want to read it: Think on These Things.

And I was thinking about how picking our President is all a game of Russian Roulette: we listen to their speeches and what they are all for and against and hope that they will apply these things once they’ve taken office. HOPE.

We all know it doesn’t always happen. They’ll talk a good game then get in there and do something totally opposite or they’ll change their views on national issues. Then we’re stuck with the outcome of their decisions.

Take for example, Bush. He’s just an idiot and I think a lot of us knew that…SOMEHOW he wound up being elected (*cough*cheating/bribery*cough*) and has run this country through the mud. Our nation has been battered and bruised and not because of the war, but because of what’s going on inside the US. Our government is on a powertrip and we can never win. No matter how far ahead we get, or how much we catch up, we are still far behind. When we think things are going good and improving, something else that greatly effects us all takes a nosedive.

We certainly can’t have it all, can we??

One Day At A Time and Will & Grace

I have the TV on just for shits and giggles while I’m blogging. I just finished my previous post and thought it was funny that I was thinking of writing about working the 12 steps.

How ironic that I heard the red head on W & G say, “One day at a time” to her squeaky friend who was drinking a martini. She then joked about how going to AA meetings is like therapy except you don’t have to pay, “…they only ask that you make a donation and I don’t because I’m not an alcoholic.” lol

I can laugh at this because I totally get it.

Molly Shannon was guest starring and she’s the one who convinced the redhead to go. Even funnier.

I am currently re-working my 4th step. To those of you have no idea, it’s one of the nastiest steps, but according to the big book, the simplest.

I never worked the steps fully before when I got clean. I didn’t actually start applying them until a few years ago. And more so as of lately. My life has been crazy. I can always do steps 1, 2  and 3. Everyday. Step 4 is about taking personal inventory and looking at all of the bad stuff – and good - in your life.

Anyways, without going into great detail, I have added more shit to my list that I looked over/ignored/forgot about….It’s all horrible stuff that I need to get rid of. I have been working on taking care of all of the stuff that has burdened me for years and making amends to those I hurt, because I hurt a LOT of people.

I came across a letter from a best friend in which she was brutally direct, which I needed at that time. I started to tear up when I read it again because I can appreciate what kind of impact that letter and everything that followed between us had on me.

I have been trying really hard to be more sane when I’ve felt completely crazy. I think my birth control (Mirena) has a lot to do with it and my hormonal adjustment after giving birth, not to mention life changing events I have incurred over the past year. I’ve gone through some really tough stuff.

Actually, the past two years have been very challenging for me. My father-in-law passed away, we had a miscarriage, I changed my job (briefly), moved to a new city, was told I had an illness that would kill me who knows when (only to be told wrong), got married, got pregnant, completely changed my work schedule and started a new business. And let’s not mention all of the house repairs that have suddenly come up.

I’m trucking.

I fought the law and the law won.

This is going to be a nice long political blog. I think I’d be something around a liberal Democrat, so if that makes you ill, click the back button on your computer and run away. OR stay and give me a nice challenge!

I wanted to bitch about our government and how shitty they are to us. I don’t have so much to say, as I waited too long to say it and some of it has left my memory.

All I have to say is bad….complaints. What does that say?? Most people I encounter and talk about our gov. with is also the same way. So why is it exactly that we are all so let down by our government??

Well, for one, we are being neglected and overlooked by our own people. What happened to “We the people?” It’s now us and them.

As most of you know, we recently had a horrible tragedy in Minnesota. A HUGE bridge collapsed without warning. Actually….there obviously was warning as it was being maintenanced at that time. Too little too late? Several people died because our government is too damn busy spending bookoos of money in a country we are at war with. Does this really make any fucking sense??

Our bridges and main arteries across the US are in such poor shape, yet to our government it’s not as important as building up a country that loathes us, and not really making any improvement or gains as far as teaching them better security. That’s because our security sucks. Not just from other countries, but even within. We citizens have no security in our futures as far as retirement goes and no security in health services. Sure there are tons of hospitals and shit, but how can you afford them without insurance?? So many people can’t afford health insurance because it’s outrageous. I don’t have insurance and it sucks if I need medical assistance because I’ve been faced with the costs. I’ve just had to walk away because I don’t have the money.

We get increases in minimum wage, yet the price of everything else goes up with it, possibly exceeding the additional amount of pay you now receive. How is it helpful? I think it may be worse to have our minimum wage increased if they only follow it with inflation.

Something else: illegal immigration. In my county, illegal immigration has increased 4% over the past 7 years. Gang activity is much worse. The most violent gang, MS13, is now very prevalent in my county. Do you know what nationality makes up MS13? Mexicans. I think we really need to take care of this problem and fast. If they are not here legally, they need to be sent home.

One of my neighborhood kids stopped by my house last week. He had a school assignment to interview people to see how many knew the Star Spangled Banner and all of the words….and who wrote it. I was caught off guard a little and only remembered most of it. Apparently this is one of the requirements for citizenship. Um…seems a little easy, don’t you think? And they also have to know our most popular presidents and what impact they had. It would be nice if more Americans knew this stuff. I hope that they are also required to have proof of employment after some time and have a clean record for some time.

Anyhoo.

There’s an online organization called MovOn.org that was in the paper this past week. It was noted as referring to Gen. Petraeus as Gen. “Betray Us” and the government is trying to intimidate all of the people on there by passing a resolution condemning the site. Check it out.

Also, another thing in the paper a lot this past week was a racially fueled fight in Louisiana. It was compared to Black Sunday (is that right) which was a time in the 60s when police were brutal with some blacks. I don’t think it;s the same thing. That fight was the authority trying to power trip and control them; the other fight was amongst some college kids….not authority figures. What irritated the hell out of me was how Jesse Jackson responded to Barack Obama’s response to the situation.

According to the Knoxville News Sentinel, Jackson was quoted as saying that Obama was “acting like he’s white.” Hmm…how contradictory and hypocritical is that??!!! Here’s a paragraph:

Wednesday’s (Columbia) State newspaper reported that Jackson made the comment about Obama and the Jena, LA case after speaking Tuesday at BEnedict College, a historically black school. “If I were a candidate, I’d be all over Jena,” Jackson said in his remarks (Of course he would) after the speech, according to the published account.

Here’s part of the paragraph of what Obama said:

The Illinois Senator, in a statement late Wednesday reacting to Jackson’s comment, said “outrage over an injustice” such as in the Jena case “isn’t a matter of black and white. It’s a matter of right and wrong.”…..

I like him.

Also, what is our government going to do to try to help our schools and their students out who have suffered horrible acts of violence like in Blacksburg, VA and this past week (somewhere, I didn’t catch it). Or to help those out who have had thoughts of doing such things?? Maybe more government funded institutions need to be provided specifically for young adults who are under great stresses due to scholastics, etc.

And our welfare to work program is a fucking joke. Oh man. My hand is tired. I’ll add more later

Anxious, or just busy?

Last night – and tonight – I haven’t gone to bed until late. I feel like I’m not ready to go to sleep, even though my body is tired by 11.

I’m thinking that I’m probably just anxious about Saturday, or perhaps I feel like I need to stay up to do as much work as I can. I’ve been busy, non-stop the past few days.

Today I painted my arms off! I painted my bathroom door, the kids bedroom door and all of the trim around these and in the hall (where they all meet). The doors have been this nasty brown cheap wood and I don’t know why it took me this long to paint them. It will suffice until I can buy new ones. I would like a french style door and paint the glass with frost so you can’t see in. Mike thinks people will think we’re weirdos. Is that weird? Slightly? Not at all? Tell me…

I also began to paint over the red in my bedroom. I hate to part with it, but I’m excited about the new color/look. I am going with a serene tropical look. The walls will be a kind of ocean color: a soft blue called harborside. I plan to hang up lots of Black & White beach photos. Hopefully my own! This, of course, will all begin when I start having an income again and not in debt.

Grr.

I did find out today that the pediatric office is going to pay what hte insurance wouldn’t on Aidan’s first visit. Long story, but just know that it’s $95 I don’t have to pay! I do still owe, in total, about $120 in medical bills for Aidan and myself. Not bad. I think I probably paid that much during my pregnancy, then I had Aidan for free! Courtesy of where I work. You can’t beat that!

Thanks Covenant Health!

I’ll end on that note. Goodnight.