As I said last week, I had an appointment with a psychologist. It was on Friday so I had to leave work. Yay….time away from work.
The lady was older and pleasant….she wasn’t intimidating and she didn’t have any signs of judgement coming off of her. In case you don’t know, I don’t like doctors and I avoid them at all cost. I even told her this and she asked why I don’t like doctor’s and I told her it’s because if you go then that means there is something wrong with you. She smiled and nodded like duh and then I continued, “and I don’t want anything to be wrong with me.” I grew up feeling like I had these high expectations to meet, like things had to be done perfectly, but I was never shown what “perfect” was. This came from my father. And he grew up the same way. His father is a very strict Southern Baptist and follows OLD beliefs (i.e. women don’t wear pants).
Anyways. I told her I think that a lot of this is the source of my anxiety. I told her I’m a mess and she asked me to elaborate so I did. My anxiety is through the roof right now because everything around me is falling apart. Financially, we are crippled. There is such a strain on our relationship that my husband told me two weeks ago that he has been thinking about leaving me, even at the cost of losing Aidan. He said it’s that bad and I know he was serious. I have been treating him like shit because I maintain a professional attitude at work so it all comes out at home. I’ve done really well at not bringing my work home with me; I hardly ever talk about work at home. But the stress from work lately has rolled over into my personal life. Our staff turnover this year was 48% of just front line staff (me and my partners) left this year…and that’s not including the 3 or 4 leaving in the next month. Policies have changed. We have kids there who shouldn’t be that are very difficult to deal with and staff who are still here are all new. They’ve all been there less than 6 months. And the solution to the problem right now is to just basically deal with it.
I like being able to foresee how things are going….having plans. I’m not a good spur of the moment, deal with huge change kind of person. I don’t like change.
But I have to make change, now. My therapist suggested I cut back my hours and start taking some medicine. I can’t cut back my hours and I don’t have the $30 copay to see my doctor. She asked that I figure out a way because she thinks it’s very important for me to see him.
Last time I saw him he told me he thinks I may have sleep apnea. If you don’t know what that is, it’s where you stop breathing during sleep. And you can die from it. And treatment is life-long. So of course, with this assertion, I opposed. I didn’t go get a sleep test done like he wanted. I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me.
So I’ve decided to finally follow through with it because she said that the lack of oxygen to my brain is causing me to not feel rested and to be irritable. And I’m going to give the meds a try.
I cried nearly the entire time of my session, but it was good. I’m seeing her again January 2nd.
As far as the finances go, we are just going to pay for what we can and what we really want to keep. I predict over the next 2 months, we will lose our house and Mike’s car.
But we are not going to sweat it. We’ll move our stuff into storage and find an apartment to rent. If that happens, then we may be able to pay on more bills and get some paid off. Once we start getting bills paid off, our credit should start improving. It’s also possible that child support may go down. We filed for another modification last week, so keep your fingers crossed for us.
We are trying to look at the positives in all of this. We can get the monkey off our backs and possibly move even sooner. We would have to start small, but you never know when things will start to really look up again. We are both dying to move right now and just start over.
Right now I’m just working on my mental health and improving my attitude so that we can get back to the love.
