I hate having realistic dreams.

Last night/this morning I had a horrible dream where I dreamt that my husband was at a show playing again (because he wants to) and he was with this girl like she was his girlfriend. He and I were married and we had Aidan just like we do now.

I walked up and started saying something to him and she turns around and I just target her. I grabbed her and squished her forehead until I heard it crack. She was out and I thought she was dead. I just knew I had overdone it and was going to lose my life to prison.

I went home hoping the cops couldn’t figure out who had done it.

The next day I returned to the area I knew Mike would be (some trailer park) and I saw him walking outside looking happy, still in his show clothes. I went to the trailer he would be at and that girl was there asleep.

I invited myself in and she woke up. I said some words to her about what kind of person Mike is, trying to warn her about his flaws. She said something about how she would accept him no matter what, then he walked in.

I turned to him and basically started telling him that he obviously didn’t love me anymore, but that isn’t what matters. I told him he needs to either choose his son or her. I told him that she’d never replace what I’ve given him and she’s obviously just a skank and can be picked up by anyone.

I then pulled out two pictures and told him he’d need to choose his son and flashed a picture of Aidan to him or his new baby and I flashed an ultrasound to him. (He didn’t know about the baby) He got tears in his eyes and I just left.

Now, I’m not saying I’m pregnant or that that is going to happily happen for us right now. In my dreams, that would be something I’d use as bait to pull my husband back. Like Aidan and I aren’t enough.

And that’s what makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve been a less than desirable person overall for the past 2 or 3 years. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My husband is not with the same person he married.

I know a baby changes everything, but I honestly don’t think it’s the baby in this case. I think it is my job. It has made me a jaded and bitter person. Any anger or remorse or shame that I feel because of that place comes out at home…on the ones who I love and who matter the most to me.

I think the only thing that can fix this is me just leaving. Therapy, meds and simply just talking it out won’t make it any better, I know.

I know my husband wants to feel more youthful as he is getting older. I know what he wants and I have it in me, I’ve just been kind of oblivious to everything in my life except for work and money.

I think the girl in my dreams represents the person I want to be. I want to be OK with my husband’s flaws and not nit-pick at him over every stupid thing. I want to still be pretty and youthful looking, like the woman he met back in 2002. I want to make him happy in every way known to man…not all the time, but for it to outweigh the grumpy times. I want to be an awesome wife and mother in his eyes; one that is irreplaceable.

I will try my hardest to manage myself better once I step away from work.  I’ll leave it all there even though it is difficult as of late, but I can do it. I will work on being a more patient and less stubborn and neurotic wife and mother. I want to be serene and enjoy the things that make me happy. I want to get back to doing the things we used to do like sitting by the fire outside in the evenings. I want to get in shape and work on my endurance so that I’m not exhausted all of the time.

I’ve already been working on some of these, but the addict in me wants everything better instantly. I’ve got to be realistic because this isn’t dreamland.

medicine au natural.

Last week on the Martha Stewart show there was a doctor there talking about natural ways of dealing with problems instead of being quick to seek a doctor’s assistance.

He said that in the 50s  1% of Americans had at least one prescribed medicine they were on (something like that) and that nowadays 81% of Americans have at least one prescribed medication.

I was amazed, but not really surprised. We are a society where we expect speedy service and instant results. Pop a pill and instantly feel better.

I’ve never been an advocate of medicine. In fact, if you’ve followed my blog you’ve read that I don’t really like going to see the doctor anyways. I’ve always believed that time and natural ways are really helpful. Since being in the field of psychology and learning more technically about some mental illnesses, I understand that medicine is sometimes a necessity.

But for me, I think I can change parts of my lifestyle and it will be a catalyst for feeling better.

The doctor said for anxiety to practice breathing techniques. For depression, try fish oil.

I am incorporating both of these into my daily routine. I am also going to cut back on my caffeine intake and start exercising more. I have just been doing basic crunches and sit-ups for starters whenever I feel like it. I’m going to try and be more regimented about it.

When I was 10 I wanted to be a bodybuilder. Honestly. I worked out religiously. My mother bought me Weider books and a Weider workout bench and I used the hell out of it. At night in my room I did lots of exercising. I may have been obsessed a little much for my age.

Regardless, I was in great shape. I had energy. I had abs. I felt happy.

I did this until I was about 16 when I got sick from it. I wasn’t eating enough calories to put up with my outtake. I weighed 96 lbs. I needed to get healthier and put off the exercising.

It all faltered from here.

When I was 24 I decided that I wanted to get in shape. I had been drinking and had put on weight on my ass. Running is too hard on my knees (pain from growing and weight-lifting simultaneously). I started walking. I would walk at a regular pace on Mondays. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I’d power-walk. Fridays I’d tear up the pavement. I started with a mile and would increase it every week.

I eventually got up to 8 miles a day before quitting due to cold weather. That’s 40 miles a week! I felt wonderful.

I would love to get back to that since walking and crunches focus on my target area.

I just need the motivation.

And a dogless neighborhood.

I found a classmate on Facebook who has gotten herself into awesome shape. I don’t want to be as muscular as she is. Her name is Carlene Steenekamp and her website is here. It’s very inspiring since she had 3 kids and was able to get her body in that kind of shape in just a year.

I just want to be firm and toned. No dunlap disease. No muffin-top. No cottage cheese.

Give me health, endurance and longevity!

And nice legs.

Are you with me or against me?

I hate how I allow stress from bills/finances to overwhelm me and make me an irritable and bitchy hag.

All of my life I have always felt like I need to be in control of situations…all situations that directly involve me, at least.  I am OCD, yes. If I feel helpless, then I feel weak and like I can be taken advantage of.

This control spills over into the lives of my husband and my child. I see it. I try to make them do things the way I want things to be done so that I can feel better about it. I went to therapy about this. I still need therapy about this, apparently. Or some nice calming medication. I am anxious as hell. I have a heart condition. I am a mess.

At work this past weekend I had a small anxiety attack.

I can not put trust for responsibility in others. It was so bad a few years ago when I started dating Mike I wouldn’t even let him drive because I was afraid he wasn’t a good enough driver and might get us killed. I slowly let him drive us around and I am still panicky when he drives sometimes.

I wish I could. just. relax.

My life is always, “Go! Go! Go!” Physically, mentally and emotionally. When I stop, I feel drained. So long as I stay busy I don’t feel tired or useless.

This is getting the best of me. I am falling apart mentally, physically and emotionally. And right now with money being crazy I feel like a wreck. I am trying to just let it be what it is and do the best I can, but it is so hard sometimes. I would just LOVE to have one day where I can sleep as long as I want to so I can feel rested.

I can’t keep holding my standards to others and then holding it against them when they don’t meet  them. They never will. I never could either.

Now what do I do?

Thrilled.

With jobs lining up and quote requests coming in, I’d say this is a good sign. I am really excited that my business is picking up. Hopefully I can leave my job sooner than expected. I will have to if I plan to maintain the business and keep clients happy.

I looked over my mother’s boyfriend’s website and it needs a HUGE facelift. His current designer (who I know he pays VERY well) has been desgning it to look like something from the 90s. Yuck!!

I want to freshen it up a little. I know my mother has been talking to him about this, so maybe she can finally convince him to get rid of him. I know that’s hard to do when you’ve relied on the same person for so long. I hate change, too, but if it saves him money and he has a better, more functional website out of it…then do it!!

He’s a well reknowned photographer and his site needs to say that: CLASS!

Anyways.

I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I am so very thrilled about website design business picking up and the fact that Mike heard really good news about his future work.

So overall, things are looking up for us in more ways than one!!! Finally (soon) I will be able to leave the clutches of The Village and be in a safe, less stressful work environment: home!

A few of my favorite things!

I just wanted to post something a little more bright and fun on my blog. You’ll have to pardon the cruddy image quality; I used my phone to get it done quickly.

These are a few places in my house that I love. They make me smile when I look at them. It may be because I got something for a great price or if it was a great gift. It may just be because I like how it turned out…how I designed a neat little area.

Enjoy!

This is one of my bookshelves in my living room. I love how the books look and the photo of my husband and I as well as John Corbett (Aidan from SATC) and I.

These were wedding gifts from my mother. They are banana leaf drawers/tables. The look a little pukey in this lighting.

This is my bedsite table. It was a perfect find for the space and with banana leaf drawers. The bowl on top with shells? was a $2 find. Handmade!

This is another great find! $17 for this mirror. I love my bathroom. We’re going for a spa feel hence the mud colored walls.

This is a small wall in the bathroom. Teak candles on top. A cool image and frame on the bottom. Magazine cutout.

This is my bookshelf in my office. Full of design books and fun stuff. And Betsey Johnson!

My favorite little nook behind my laptop. Good smelling candles and my favorite frame that I got for only $3. Waiting for that perfect family photo!

3 year anniversary and the circle…went missing.

My husband is clumsy….let it be known.

The week of our 3 year anniversary (6-6-09) he was working for his brother building an outside entertainment building/pation thingy. He and the guy he was working with decided that since it has been warm lately that they are going to take a dip in the river.

When my husband did, and was pushing his way back to the top, his ring slipped off. Now granted, he had half his hand cut off years ago and when it was put back together, his ring finger was still all messed up. His left arm is not as built as his right just because he doesn’t have the same strength from all of the damage. I mean, he’s lucky he can even use it as well as he does! He can still play guitar and was told he wouldn’t be able to (which would have killed him).

Anyways.

Knowing that everytime he showers, it slips off didn’t come to mind before he jumped into a HUGE body of water.

So his wedding band is lost.

And this makes me really sad. This is the ring I slipped on his hand when we exchanged vows. And he just kind of acted like it was no big deal.

He then proceeded to ask me if I’d tattoo a ring on his finger.

This kind of irritated me because he instantly wants to replace the circle of love I had put on his finger with a new tattoo.

I just don’t know what I want to do. Part of me wants him to put on a scuba mask and dive for it. (It’s a relatively shallow area) The other part just says get another one exactly like it (hoping I can find one).

Smoke free for a while now.

Several months ago after getting sick for the first time in the winter, Idecided to stop smoking. First it was because the taste mixed with my sickness and screwed up taste buds was a little bit like licking an ash tray full of old cigarette butts.

Disgusting, I know.

I stopped and decided that I was done. I hadn’t smoked since when I was first pregnant (and had just found out). So I had stayed away for almost 2 years when I picked up again in February of 2008. I continued to smoke (maybe a pack a week) until about mid-November of 2008.

I have managed to not even want one, think about them or crave them for this long. I am actually very repulsed by the smell of people after they’ve been smoking. They smell like that same dirty ash tray smell, especially if they smoke the el cheapos.

Anywhoo. I am proud of myself. Once before when I tried to quit I got the 7 month itch and I’m hoping that doesn’t happen. I’m coming up on 7 months now.

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My story.

Domestic Violence is nothing to ignore. I think we as a society should actually pay more attention and take notice of anything suspect. Like if your neighbor’s child talks about when her mommy and daddy hit her or if they are showing signs of sexual abuse. If you think that someone you know is being physically abused by their spouse, take a stand for that person. Please educate yourselves on this stuff and if you are suspicious, please make a call. If you are wrong, you won’t be punished or retaliated on as it can be an anonymous report.

A couple of months ago I decided to share my story and today it has finally been posted on the website. If you are interested or if you, too would like to share your story, go here: Violence Unsilenced.

Scary.

3 years ago I was diagnosed with SVT – Supra Ventricular Tachycardia. My heart feels like it stops for a second, but it actually is adding an extra beat in. I went through several tests to figure this out, one being an echo test and another was this monitor I had to wear for 24 hours.

I also had to document in writing what I was doing at the time of an incident: sitting on the couch watching Oprah and drinking a soda. Walking through Walmart. Getting dressed. Whatever.

In some detail.

I felt like I was on top of it and actually thought I might have been exaggerating because of how many times I had to do this. Turns out, when I went to my doctor there were MANY times I didn’t have occurances documented.

And my doctor determined that I have this problem because of the ridiculous amount of drugs I consumed. I also have nearly every problem in the book that goes along with my DOC (drug of choice). One is vertigo and it sucks.

Anyways. Tonight I was feeling funny in my chest. I always take heed when something doesn’t feel right and my heart is involved. She isn’t very strong anymore. I am not allowed to run. At work I can’t restrain. Anything that gets my heart pumping fast is not good. Weird, eh?

So I had this weird feeling. It felt as though all of my blood was at the crown of my head and like I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t. There was no gag, no urge. Just that feeling. And I seriously thought I was having a heart attack or dying. My chest felt cold on the inside.

And then I burped.

So I think I can write this off as an extreme case of anxiety and gas.

I had just finished watching The Spohr’s tribute to their daughter Maddie and was bawling my eyes out. Add that on top of the anxiety I have been getting when going to and being at work and I am just a mess.

I still feel a little funny, so I’m not downplaying it just yet. For now I am just trying to relax and breathe.