I know that there hasn’t been much time lapsed since I found out my husband cheated on me and everyone keeps telling me I just need to give it more time. What exactly is “it?” Time for me to stew? The roller coaster ride I am on? More time for me to start to forget details?
Stewing is what I have done a lot of. In fact, it leads to the roller coster ride that my life is now driven by. Up and down, left and right, zip and zoom, forward and backwards. I enjoy a good roller coaster, but imagine being on one 24 hours a day. You can’t sleep and one day you are happy to repair your relationship with your husband and the next day you are still hung up on the hurt he has caused and “How could he have done this to me?”
I recently wrote a post about forgiveness…more or less a post forgiving the woman my husband had sex with. I also wrote a letter to my husband forgiving him. But I am not sure I am ready yet to forgive him. The affair was his choice. He pursued these women, so it’s hard for me to let go of the fact that he was so determined to fill a void in his life that he did so with multiple women. One wasn’t enough. Now, he didn’t have sex with all of them, just the one.
But that is not what I focus on. I am hung up on the fact that he had sex with another woman and then came home to me and continued to be with me after doing so. He pretended to love me and treat me the same way he had while he knew in his head what he had done.
I don’t know how much I can express this: marriage and sex are VERY sacred to me. I am the kind of person that if this doesn’t work out with him, I can promise you I will NEVER be with another man after this. I committed to forever with him and if that can’t happen, then I am done with relationships. I know most of you – Mike included – are probably telling yourselves that eventually I would break and find someone, but I can promise you I won’t. I am like an Emperor Penguin….I mate for life with one….the only one.
But this post isn’t about that.
It’s about trust.
I have very very very little trust in Mike and what he says. I want to believe him when he answers my questions and tells me he loves me and that he’ll never cheat again. But then I remember that he promised those things when we got married.
Some days I follow my heart and trust that I’ll be ok and we can make things work. Then other days I want to question everything under the sun and tear everything apart so I can analyze it. I expect deception. And this drives me crazy and makes me bitter and angry. Actually what makes me bitter and angry is that I was betrayed in the first place.
Like I said, I acknowledge that I had a part in our marriage going sour, but the affair was his choice. He took the sourness to a whole new level. I’m not denying that I hurt his feelings with the things I told him, but those things can be worked on and amended. You can’t take back an affair. You can’t say I didn’t mean to. Because the fact of the matter is is that he enjoyed it. He got off. He felt vindicated to some degree for soothing the pain he felt from me by having an affair.
So, what? I am supposed to not want vindication for the extreme form of betrayal he put upon me? I am supposed to be strong and work through this with him and leave shit in the past?? I’m supposed to be happy that I have him back and that we can save our marriage?
I know I may sound all over the place, but this is how I feel on my down days. And frankly I am tired of going up and down. I’m ready to just pick one over the other. And down seems so much easier because then I can be pissed at him like I am and not have to worry about masking that and forgiving him and reading all of these books, websites, etc and doing so much work.
But that’s what got me here in the first place: accepting the less painful way of doing things. I just don’t want to go through all of this work and then the same fucking shit happen again, whether it’s 10 months from now or 10 years from now. He thinks that the only thing he really needs to do is show me he loves me and that will make things all better.
That makes me think that I should be thankful that he chose me over them. And this pisses me off.
I know this is all toxic thinking as I am reading about in the book Katrina bought me.
I just don’t know that I want to be with someone who I have to learn to trust all over again. I’m the kind of person that if I don’t get it right the first time, I’m not doing it again….and that’s in a lot of things. So I do my damnedest to make sure it gets right the first time because I want to be successful in everything I do.
And I know I didn’t work so hard on my marriage. I retracted when I started feeling fear.
I don’t know what to say at this point. My mind is a mess. I’ve cried all morning. I am so exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. But that lump in my throat is there for a reason, right?
Like this:
Hey there, I know I’m an unlikely commenter because I’m not married and don’t know what’s that like. However, infidelity happened to my parents 6 years ago and it was incredibly difficult for them. It really did take time for them to heal, for them to forgive, for them to move forward and trust again. They found a lot of help through savemymarriage.com (especially A New Beginning marriage weekend), as well as in some of the books you mentioned (His Needs, Her Needs). Six years later, they’ve been able to help other people who are experiencing the same thing. Things are actually much better for them than they were pre-infidelity, but it really did take a year or two for trust to redevelop and they continue to work on their relationship by reading books, taking classes, and helping others on a consistent basis. Hang in there. I know from seeing my parents go through it that it is a roller coaster, but there’s hope for better days ahead, especially if both people are committed to working through the horrific thing that is infidelity. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re in my thoughts. Hugs!
Oh wow. The rawness of your post brings back so many emotions. My story is somewhat different, but there are many common threads. It is not an easy road to balance after being betrayed by the one you love, especially for those of us prone to fear and anxiety. However, I strongly believe that it can happen. Be patient with yourself; it will take time. It will be a rocky road; ups will be followed by downs. Stay with it and keep your intention clear and you will make it through.
Thank you. It is very tough and so hard for me to see clearly or anything about where I’m going and that makes me very anxious. I like to plan and know where I’m going in life, but I am now having to surrender to something so different and take things as they come.
I have at least agreed to not make a decision about anything right now. I am trying to hang in there, but some days the pain reminds me of how betrayed I really feel and it’s unbearable.
I read your blog post and it’s inspiring to see others who have made it work and to know that the struggle is normal and survivable.
Thank you Emily! It seems like I remember you telling me about that a while back. It’s very helpful to hear that others have survived an affair and that it took a lot of time to get to a better place. I’m just so hurt that we have to go through this. I have all of these coulda, shoulda, wouldas…..things would be better if we had…..an affair probably would have been avoided if……
All these thoughts and they wear me out. Then the details of what happened and how betrayed I feel. It’s the worst thing I’ll probably go through in my life – at least I hope. The only thing worse would be losing my son. I think it’s that bad.
I hope one day that I am able to come out of this in a much better place, having learned a lot about myself and maintaining a relationship so that I can help others with what I’ve learned. Right now, things are just so muddy, but I’m trying to have a patient heart.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. <3
I have not been through this so I may have no clue what I am talking about but my honest opinion is that especially with your roller coaster feelings I think you need some time apart. Not necessarily a separation but maybe a mini separation. And this is for you – not him. I don’t know if you can fully process it with him around. I am gonna send you a text.
I don’t want anyone to think that he isn’t doing anything to support me through this and show me that he does love me. He’s done an awesome job at that, it’s just that with my toxic thinking, I question the intentions and wind up convincing myself that it’s all shit.
I read my book some more last night and the first thing I read was this, “What most people don’t realize is that challenging your toxic thoughts with sound, positive, alternative explanations based on evidence instead of emotion will make your relationship stronger and more rewarding.” As I read, I was encouraged to write down my toxic thoughts as they happen then replace them with evidence to the contrary then write a positive, replacement thought based on that. I plan to do this since my thoughts are so jumbled right now. I’m so busy trying to convince myself that he could only have cheated because he didn’t love me and he was just being super-selfish. Which he was selfish, but not to the degree that I like to think.
I think that your head & your heart are in the right place… they’re just in the right place at opposite times sometimes & that makes it hard. It might take a little while for you to get them to sync up consistently. Or hell, honestly you might not ever. Some things are just too hard. We are only human.
But I believe that a big part of you, somewhere deep inside, believes it can be repaired. And I think that a big part of you, deep down inside, still trusts him & believes what he’s telling you. And I think that if you don’t give it everything that you can, you won’t forgive yourself.
Your friends (myself included) are here for you Ladybug. We think you’re on the right track. We know you’re a strong Woman. And I believe, as cliche as it is, that Love really CAN conquer all.
Thanks Hannah! I think you are right…..I just need to keep patient and wait for my head and my heart to sync back up. I do truly love him, without a doubt. The only thing that I really question is if I can handle this. We’ve been through so much shit together and we tackled everything together, but this is one thing that we are experiencing so differently and that makes me feel like I am fighting this on my own.
I know he is there to repair things with me and make up for the pain he inflicted on me as am I. It’s just torturous when my heart hurts so bad. I feel like I can’t breathe because of the the weight in my heart.
I am so thankful to have amazing friends like you guys to help keep me focused and to remind me that it won’t be like this forever.
And I agree with you when you say if I don’t give it my all, then I’ll never forgive myself. I wouldn’t. I think what actually hurts the most is that relief is so far away that it makes me feel hopeless and want to give up – because I am NOT a patient person. And just thinking about not making it makes me sad.
And when I try to be strong, I harden up and become defensive more than strong-willed and focused. I think I will learn a new way of being strong after all of this. And maybe I can stop being so abrasive and bitter.
I love you guys.
I know one thing….if I can’t talk to Mike without crying, I’m not going to process anything with him until I can. If I cry, that is great progress for me in letting down my guard.
I’ve read all this and need to think some before replying…but know I love you, and a lot of what everyone has said is stuff I’m agreeing with too. and the mini separation/vacation/distraction/whatever…hey Rhiannon…get her out of the house please! Any chance you have for just the 2 of you-even if it’s walking around the mall or a store talking, PLEASE GET WENDY OUT OF THE HOUSE! A distraction from things is always helpful.
I tried to get her to come spend the weekend with us at our house. Maybe you can pressure her into it!! LOL!
I will be lots of organizing!!!!!
Pinterest finds?
Aidan and I have been enjoying all of his new toys this morning. I’m getting ready to put together his new drum set.
I am 34 years old, and my mother and father separated when I was 5. My mother never dated again. There is a part of me that thinks that way too. If it doesn’t work, I am done. Maybe that is why we try to make it work?
Maybe so. He is everything I ever wanted and I know it would be difficult to replace him – and I’d always compare everyone else to him. Like you said, it would be harder to leave him than to stay through it all. But if he ever repeats these behaviors, his ass will be gone in a minute because I have to do what’s best for me and my son and I would not want my son to grow up with a mother who accepts that kind of behavior and a father who has no respect for women.
It’s crazy what we have in common: I am 33 and my parents divorced, but not until I was 19.