If you are here then you have either Googled your name and found this or you knew about my blog already. And if you follow my blog, you’ll know that recently I have decided to do something I vowed that I would never do: forgive my husband for his infidelity.
I’ve thought it over – and have been scared to death about it – but learned after researching it online and talking it over with some amazing people, that forgiveness isn’t about dismissing the behavior/situation that caused you grief. It’s about making peace within yourself so that you can move forward and not be stuck on negative thoughts and feelings. And this is what I wish for.
I wish this had never happened, but it did. Now what am I going to do about it? I know in my heart that I still love my husband. I always have and always will. True love doesn’t just go away. I know that because I still love other men that have been a part of my life.
Do I love him enough to stay with him and work through this? Yes. I decided that since we have been through so much shit together, this is one more thing that we can work through, overcome and come out stronger from. There is nothing Mike and I can’t overcome. I know this because I am willing to work through this issue. In the past 4 years we have been through hell and back. The worst part was the affair.
It has also been the best part.
As I told you, this has been a pivotal moment in our relationship. I said some things to Mike that I can never take back. And I didn’t know how to repair the damage I had caused by what I had said, so I sabotaged. And Mike distanced himself from me because of it. I don’t blame him. I don’t accept his choice in the end, but we are where we are. I’m not sure what would’ve kicked our asses into gear and am not sure that anything would’ve been a more obvious sign. I wish I had sucked up my pride and just said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean those things.” But I didn’t.
And because of that, you entered our lives.
I know you were there because you wanted attention from someone. You wanted to feel cared about and wanted…and so did Mike. You had nothing in common other than this. As Mike had said, he wanted validation for what he was thinking that I must be cheating if I didn’t want him. It was never true. I never cheated on my husband. I am not that kind of person and never will be.
I am someone who sabotages a relationship to protect myself from being hurt.
And in November, nothing more could have ever hurt me more than the news I received from you. As I said, I am thankful that you brought it to my attention because Mike says he would have tried to hide it forever. I believe that he would have eventually cracked because no relationship can thrive or survive on a foundation built from lies. So who knows where we’d be today? But we are working on being open, honest, intimate and passionate.
Over 5 years ago, I was able to contact Mike’s ex-fiancee. I was able to confront her for her behavior and basically do the same as I am doing with you. I had to do it so that I could find peace and I told her that. What she did with it – and what you do with this – was up to her from that point. I made my peace.
And now I am making my peace with you. I forgive you for having an affair with my husband. This does not take away from your responsibility for what you have done in any way. You have to live with it for the rest of your life knowing how you behaved and that you could have ruined this family. My son….he would have been affected the hardest and he has been through enough shit in his short life.
All I ask is the next time you meet a married man – especially if he has young children – that you walk away and you remember how you could have wrecked a 4 year old’s life with your actions. Luckily that 4 year old has a kick-ass mother who would do anything in this world to make sure he is safe and happy. His daddy is pretty frickin’ awesome, too. And together, we will live our dreams and be totally blessed, peaceful and coveted.
As I have said, I do not want you in my life in any way. I will never forget you, but I will not think about you. Do not contact me on Facebook with your account or fake ones. Do not email me because I have them set to go straight to the trash anyways. Do not call me or text me. And do not try to contact Mike in any way.
If I could erase you from my memory I would, but this is the best I can do.
I’m surprised you could do this/say this so early. No way I could have. It took us 4-5 years to reach that point! But I’m glad it happened for us, because I gained one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I couldn’t have made it through a LOT in the last few years without you.
And Paula, if you ever see or read this, don’t EVER try to contact me. You nearly ruined my friends life and I’m not nearly as forgiving as she is. I know both of them better than you could ever dream of knowing them, so walk away and leave them alone. You’ve done enough shit stirring, so please stop.
Time may heal wounds or make them easier to live with, but I’m not your average person-I don’t forgive and forget like some people are able to.
Good for you dude. I think this is perfect and am so glad you did it. Now time for moving on and making your lives all that you’ve wanted it to be.
Katrina, you know how devastated I was when I found out. Believe me, taking this step was excruciating to me because I had made my mind up MANY years ago that when I was married that cheating was unforgivable. And it scared me because I thought that changing my mind about that was giving up my power, but it isn’t. The feelings and everything I had because of the affair was what had power…over me.
I am really good at holding grudges, too, but I came to realize that because Mike was involved in this situation that I was resentful about, that I had to do this in order for me to be able to let go of that resentment towards him. I could not be happy with him while holding him to the fire in my mind every time I looked at him.
The forgiveness isn’t for either of them, it is for me. The article I read that really pushed me into making this decision is this one: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 Because I wanted revenge on both of them, it was doing more to me than anything. Sure I could blast Paula and tell everyone she knows all the dirty details about what she did, things she said, etc, but it would take a lot of effort on my part and I don’t want to waste my time on her.
And I could constantly remind Mike of what he did, how he behaved, things he said and how he made me feel to “punish” him, but he already knows those things. I could hold this over his head for however long, but it isn’t going to benefit our relationship. I want to move past it while recognizing what we need to improve and doing so. And we already are. We really didn’t even need the books and I think that that is a sign that we are very compatible and meant for each other. It is true love and we are going to make it work.
I would say true love is effortless, but it isn’t. The fact that it is true makes it easier to know how to love each other easily.
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I think you are an incredibly strong woman, and I am floored as to how you handled your situation with such grace. I on the other hand, could never do that. You are incredible. Do not let anyone put you down and never feel threatened by the mistress.
I have dealt with cheating basically throughout my entire relationship with John. I have never felt threatened by the other women. Regardless of what John did, I know he loves me, and I know he will never leave me. . . Doesn’t make it right or better, but it is what it is. . .
I wish you the best of everything and hope you and your husband continue to work through this. . .
Believe me, I had moments where I flew off the handle, punched my husband and yelled at him. And the times that she contacted me, I wanted to say the nastiest things to her. I did call her a skank and that she was trash and Mike had no interest in her other than using her to boost his self-esteem and to get off. She tried to claim an emotional attachment; maybe for her, but not for him.
And she tried to say that I must feel threatened by her. This made me laugh so hard. Maybe if she was a skinny, sexy young woman, but she isn’t. She’s fat, 10 years older than me, looks haggard, looks frumpy, wears 1970s blue eye shadow, loves country music and NASCAR. I am 127 lbs, in with todays styles, wear my makeup well – and don’t even need it, love rock n roll and I am still young looking. All of these things are what Mike likes in a woman. In fact, he’s always liked them younger, but he decided that I was the one so he was ok with growing old with ME. She was just someone to make him feel better because he was uncertain about our relationship. He was sad that he thought he had lost me and he chose an affair. And he only had sex with her once when he started to pull himself away from her. She should realize that that means he never cared about her.
I know he loves me….he never stopped loving me. That’s what he always wanted and he thought he had lost it. And I do love him despite the way I treated him and the things I said to him. We have so much in common and we have so many dreams that we have dreamt together. Turning away from that would be such a shame, but I will if he ever does it again.
I do not feel so incredible or strong. Some days it weighs so very heavy on me and it’s all I can do to make it through the day or to deter thinking about the details of their affair.
I wish you the best in your relationship as well. I am going to be reading your posts soon. Thank you. <3