Since finishing His Needs, Her Needs I have moved on to another book called WHy Can’t You Read My Mind. Both of these books have really reminded me of what I need to get back to doing and how I need to think, but my head keeps wanting to overtake everything.
As I’ve said before, I am trying to follow my heart after all of this affair crap, but one thought that keeps getting in the way is, “How could he have done this if he loved me? He must not love me.”
I talked to Mike about it last night and he said that maybe I need to read the book again (he is reading it now) because throughout the book he says that most who cheat DO love their spouse despite their behavior/decision.
I am just really struggling with this because sex is something very sacred to me….you don’t just share yourself with anyone…it should be with someone that you love and invest your private thoughts and feelings with; someone with whom you are very intimate.
I guess in that time that he didn’t care about it being something special to him….he was driven to fulfill a need.
I just hate that when I have these thoughts, I feel like I can’t be close to Mike. I know it has only been a little under 2 months since I found out about everything from the start so everything is still fresh and harsh.
It’s just the addict in me wants quick relief from the hurt and the thoughts. I think I’ve done a pretty good job at fighting off the urge to give up on everything just to not have to learn to trust my husband again. To not have to love him through my pain. That, I think is the hardest thing: loving someone who completely betrayed you.
I am going to order the book Surviving An Affair now because I need more emotional help with this. And if any of you guys have suggestions/advice/reminders, I would greatly appreciate all of it.
You said it before – you were gonna have days like this. Honestly you are doing waaayyyy more than I would. Sounds like he is doing his part too. I hate to say this but I believe some of your bitterness about it is bc there is still random contact with Paula – whether it be fake fb accounts or whatever. You are gonna have to make that stop and concentrate on Mike and what you want. You can always call if you wanna talk or come hang out!
Yeah, we talked about it this morning. I want to leave all that behind. I actually haven’t contacted her or anything since I sent those emails to that fake account. I have her blocked from all of my accounts as does she. I have any emails that come from her address set to go straight to the trash folder when they come in so I don’t know anything about them. Gmail deletes them automatically after 14 days.
I just wish she would stop popping up in my life and in my head. My life I can handle….I just won’t respond to anymore fake account friend requests. I’ll just ignore them and block the people. I can’t move on if I allow that in my life. Now, moving past the thoughts and the memories is what is really hard. I can’t erase those. I can’t block them.
I think what spurred all of this is when I looked up forgiveness for a cheating husband and came across this site: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 It’s an awesome article, but for me forgiveness for infidelity has always been something I’d never do. And the thought of trying to scares the shit out of me.
It makes me want to flip out bc it makes me feel like I am excusing his behavior and accepting it and moving on. Which is kind of what forgiveness entails, but it isn’t about letting him off the hook…it’s about me having peace with the situation and being able to let go and move forward. I’m just hung up on holding him accountable to what he did. I still want to “punish” him. But I can never punish him for it unless I break his heart like he did mine. And where will that get us? Divorced, bitter and resentful.
So I guess I am going to try to do something I always vowed I’d never do and that is forgive him. I think it’s my only option.
I found another book in all my research yesterday and it is called My Husband’s Affair Became The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me. Obviously it is written by someone who has gone through this and decided to work through it….which is exactly what I need. I have one person who I have talked to about all of this who has been through it. I just need help with how to get past the hurt without wanting to retaliate or sabotage, which are two things I ALWAYS did in relationships. It’s what helped lead Mike and I where we are.
this is your hubsy and i love you !!!
I love you, too, sweetheart!
The funniest thing is, I never once questioned if John loved me. He has cheated on me so many times, but I never questioned his love for me. I do believe that you can love someone and cheat, although I never could. . . But does that have to do with my love for him or my morals?
I do not know you, nor do I know your husband, but I in no way believe just because someone cheats, they don’t love. Especially when the affair is just sex based. Now if a man is carrying out a long and drawn out affair that involved intimate phone conversations, vacations, romantic dinners, etc. Then maybe. But sex is physical, and I truly believe that men are able to have sex without forming any emotional attachments.
It’s reassuring to hear you say that. I struggle all the time with this thought, but I do keep coming back to the fact that we never stopped loving each other, we just stopped showing it and taking care of each others’ needs.