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RIP

A sweet friend passed away this morning. She had open heart surgery Friday the 13th and died from complications this morning. I was not expecting it. Just a few days ago I was messaging her back and forth and now she’s gone. I can’t believe it.

She was only 29 years old and left behind her 2 y/o daughter, her fiance, her young step-son and other family. She was preceded in death by her late husband Tim and their infant son Isaac, as well as her father and other family members. There was so much tragedy in her life yet she managed to stay fairly upbeat. As she said it was a soap opera waiting to happen.

I am so distraught over this. Apparently my connection with her was a lot stronger than I was aware of. We went to school together (she was a year younger than me), but we never hung out. It wasn’t until she befriended me on myspace several years ago that we actually became more than just schoolmates. I consider her a friend.

And a great friend she was. I will truly miss her.

my favorite photo of hers

Mold.

Since last night I have found 4 patches of mold in our house. Now I know this all sounds nasty; you’re probably thinking of something disgusting like one of those big, pimply moles with hair all over it. Honestly, if you saw it in your house – and weren’t as suspecting as I am – you probably would’ve just thought it to be dust buildup or some kind of dirt. Most of it really wasn’t that noticeable.

I know why it’s happening, too. The sad thing is is that I can’t afford to do anything about it other than spraying it with bleach, Lysol-ing it and Kilz-ing it.

You see, our house is sinking in. We thought it was just the foundation settling until last year. We think that a small, unnoticed leak helped weaken the structure. Under the vanity, there was an unused pipe that’s been turned off. Well, it has slowly been leaking from the hole, even though it’s off. Water is squuueeezing past it. It takes about 2 or 3 weeks to fill up a small bowl, but this has been going on for years. We didn’t notice until we removed our vanity nearly 2 years ago. There was a spot that looked like water had dried up and so I became suspicious. We kept an eye on it and sure enough…

My husband redid the floor in the bathroom and there never were any baseboards put in. So the leak is going right off the tile into the wood underneath in a very small area where the tile and wall meet. One of the main floor joists is right there.

So, because of the bathroom sinking in, it’s causing disruption in the floor in other areas. Imagine a giant stomping on our house…the floor would squish immediately under his foot, but the areas out away from it would lift and break. That’s basically what is happening. Last year I had our insurance agent come look. He said it wouldn’t be covered since it’s been happening over time. If it had happened all at once (I forget the term he used), then it would be covered.

Due to this, the old musty under-the-house-dirt-stench is coming into the house through any crack it can find (and because we don’t have ductwork installed yet). All of my belongings are now being ruined because of this smell. The mold is where is has rained a lot recently and the moisture is coming into the house (even though we have a vapor barrier on the ground under the house).

So right now, I’m wishing a big giant would come and stomp on my house so I can get it fixed.

Our kids are our future.

How many times have you heard this in the past year or so??

Well, it really needs to sink in for some people.

You know I am about to go on a rant here and bitch about something related to kids, right? If you don’t want to hear it and don’t think you can handle some heavy opinions then you might just want to leave now because I am going to start pointing the finger at you.

Yep….YOU.

Let me just put it out there that it absolutely disgusts me how fat some kids are nowadays. Excuse me. Obese. I believe we should spoil our children, but not in a way that is harmful to their health or personality. I think they should be spoiled with love and kisses and games and fun. They should be tremendously happy. You DON’T have to do this with food. It isn’t fair to them that their health be in jeopardy because you want to spoil them with junk. You have got to start thinking about what this does to their little bodies overall: the weight is hard on their joints and it just makes it harder for them to be rambunctious and playful.

That’s not the main topic of this post.

I’ve always been angry about obesity in children, but what I want to address is the disrespect from our kids and teens.

I have never seen kids so entitled and disrespectful towards others than I have lately. Poor kids whose parents barely have a roof over their head, yet they still manage to wear $100 shoes and name brand clothing. And when you offer them something that’s not to their liking then they snub your offer. Or when you’re walking down the street and going slow because you have a toddler with you, they get all smart-mouthed and start passively making threats.

These examples recently happened to myself and my husband. My kids at work are the first example. The second example happened to Mike on Halloween. Some punks were behind him and started mouthing off about them walking to slow and threatened to start kicking people. I’m sure he was just showing off for his buddies, but we take threats towards our child very seriously. So Mike was fed up and turned around and told him if he thought he was big enough to start kicking. Of course the kid shutup.

And frankly I am fed up with the attitudes, too. Moreso, I am fed up with the parents of these kids enabling them to be this way. They either cave in and do as their kid says or they just don’t say anything to them to discipline them and teach them to be respectful of others.

And it’s not just trash anymore.

I would never have talked like that if there was a little kid around, even if I was a fearless teenager. Because I had respect for those who couldn’t defend themselves. It’s called tact.

I know I had my share of running my mouth and causing problems, but it was never over something so stupid as people walking slowly in front of me.

I expect teens to not use their heads all the time, but the amount of indifference towards the regard of others has been unbelievable.

I am a firm believer that everything starts at home. That is where your child grows up and learns the majority of what they know. School and daycare are places to expand on that. But if your kid is having problems, you need to take a look at your relationship with your child and how you discipline them.

Your kids should respect you and when they walk out the door, they should take it with them. When I was a teen, I was afraid of doing a lot of things because I was afraid of what my parents would think or if they would be disappointed. So you know what, most of the time I chose not to do them. Of course being a teen I tested the waters. I got my hands dirty, but I could never imagine being a teen like some of the ones I’ve ran into.

Our kids are out future. A lot of kids don’t care about education or working. They think the whole world owes them. They think their parents need to give them everything they want so they don’t get a job. When I was 16, I was thrilled to work at McDs and have my very own income. I felt responsible and proud.

Kids these days are entitled and arrogant.

Today – and several times before – on the playground, my child was one of the youngest wanting to play on the slide repeatedly, only he was being kind about it. The other kids were all running back up the slide. And some of them were flopping onto it and being very aggressive in their play. They didn’t seem to notice that a very little boy was standing at the top waiting his turn, or that he was coming down the slide. Nope. They just ran him over. My child became reluctant to go again. He felt out of place. Maybe because he felt disrespected because the kids were being inconsiderate.

I know….kids will be kids. Yeah, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t give them direction and explanation about mindfulness. Kids who are 8 and 9 years old will get that. The parents were sitting right there not saying one word to these kids. When my son hesitated to come down the slide I loudly stated to him that this slide was his just as much as it was theirs and that he could slide down it. It’s just a shame that this is happening and the parents who were watching thought that these much larger kids dominating the slide was OK. If this continues, I guess I’ll be saying something to the parents. And I know they won’t like it.

I am really tired and going to bed. I’ll read this tomorrow and see if something doesn’t make sense.

I wish I was too.

I know several people who are buying or just recently bought a new house. It makes me wish I could do the same.

I am ready to move to Florida more than anything right now, but I can’t. It’s just not in the cards at the moment. I love my house, but I want to be able to buy our first house together. Mike had this house before I came along, so I’d love to be able to shop for a house and buy something we both love.

But I’m not doing that until we are in Florida. There’s no way on this Earth that I’d commit myself to another house here in nowhereville. I know Bradenton isn’t much bigger, but at least there’s an ocean and warm weather always around. And we’ve actually been considering Sarasota for a short while now. I found some nice condos there that we may move into.

Our plan is to rent first until we get to know the area. I’ve never even been to Florida, let alone either of the cities we’re thinking of moving to. I just know they are good cities that are warm enough year ’round and aren’t too party-y and the cost of living isn’t absolutely ridiculous.

Plus, I’ve pretty much done all that I want to do to this house. The bathroom still needs to be renovated, but I know how it will turn out.  My kitchen cabinets need to be finished, but I know how they’ll look. So there aren’t any other big transformations that I want to happen.

I’m rambling.

All I can say is I really can’t wait for the day that Mike and I buy OUR house and I can’t wait to decorate and remodel it to fit our personalities.

I hate having realistic dreams.

Last night/this morning I had a horrible dream where I dreamt that my husband was at a show playing again (because he wants to) and he was with this girl like she was his girlfriend. He and I were married and we had Aidan just like we do now.

I walked up and started saying something to him and she turns around and I just target her. I grabbed her and squished her forehead until I heard it crack. She was out and I thought she was dead. I just knew I had overdone it and was going to lose my life to prison.

I went home hoping the cops couldn’t figure out who had done it.

The next day I returned to the area I knew Mike would be (some trailer park) and I saw him walking outside looking happy, still in his show clothes. I went to the trailer he would be at and that girl was there asleep.

I invited myself in and she woke up. I said some words to her about what kind of person Mike is, trying to warn her about his flaws. She said something about how she would accept him no matter what, then he walked in.

I turned to him and basically started telling him that he obviously didn’t love me anymore, but that isn’t what matters. I told him he needs to either choose his son or her. I told him that she’d never replace what I’ve given him and she’s obviously just a skank and can be picked up by anyone.

I then pulled out two pictures and told him he’d need to choose his son and flashed a picture of Aidan to him or his new baby and I flashed an ultrasound to him. (He didn’t know about the baby) He got tears in his eyes and I just left.

Now, I’m not saying I’m pregnant or that that is going to happily happen for us right now. In my dreams, that would be something I’d use as bait to pull my husband back. Like Aidan and I aren’t enough.

And that’s what makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve been a less than desirable person overall for the past 2 or 3 years. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My husband is not with the same person he married.

I know a baby changes everything, but I honestly don’t think it’s the baby in this case. I think it is my job. It has made me a jaded and bitter person. Any anger or remorse or shame that I feel because of that place comes out at home…on the ones who I love and who matter the most to me.

I think the only thing that can fix this is me just leaving. Therapy, meds and simply just talking it out won’t make it any better, I know.

I know my husband wants to feel more youthful as he is getting older. I know what he wants and I have it in me, I’ve just been kind of oblivious to everything in my life except for work and money.

I think the girl in my dreams represents the person I want to be. I want to be OK with my husband’s flaws and not nit-pick at him over every stupid thing. I want to still be pretty and youthful looking, like the woman he met back in 2002. I want to make him happy in every way known to man…not all the time, but for it to outweigh the grumpy times. I want to be an awesome wife and mother in his eyes; one that is irreplaceable.

I will try my hardest to manage myself better once I step away from work.  I’ll leave it all there even though it is difficult as of late, but I can do it. I will work on being a more patient and less stubborn and neurotic wife and mother. I want to be serene and enjoy the things that make me happy. I want to get back to doing the things we used to do like sitting by the fire outside in the evenings. I want to get in shape and work on my endurance so that I’m not exhausted all of the time.

I’ve already been working on some of these, but the addict in me wants everything better instantly. I’ve got to be realistic because this isn’t dreamland.

Money DOES buy happiness.

You have all heard that saying that money doesn’t buy happiness….

Well, I call bullshit.

Either you are in debt and miserable or you have so much money in the world you’re an asshole and alienate yourself or you blow it all and are broke again.

I know that if I could suddenly have $50,000 I’d be the happiest woman in the world. Hell, even just half that would do it. I could pay off most of my debts with $50k. All except my house.

I would no longer have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck. I wouldn’t have to worry about making a certain amount at my jobs to ensure that the bills would get paid.

Word of advice: always manage your finances based on whoever makes the lowest income in your household. (If you’re married) That way if one of you loses your job, you can afford the bills.

Now I know most people think this is outlandish, but this is how it should be.

Back to my story. I really don’t know how we’ve been paying our bills when I look at the bigger picture. But we have. And I worry too much about it. My life is consumed with money, money, money. Or moreso, bills, bills, bills. Debt, debt, debt.

I have learned from our past financial choices. The very hard way. I know what not to do again. I’ve known it since I grew up. I was very well prepared for what to expect and how to manage my finances. Some of it was beyond my control as I came into it in this relationship. Some of it, I allowed to get out of control.

Not having money is the root of all evil. In the end.

I have become a very bitter, cynical, pessimistic woman who can only focus on making money. I want to just live my life. I am so sick and tired of being so overwhelmed with debt.

I am so tired of having to make tough choices about how we are going to bring home money. Figuring ways we can save a buck or how we can survive this month.

I have a decent house and nice car. My husband has a decent car. We have nice things. But we can’t even enjoy these nice things because of the financial bind we are in.

I can’t even think straight right now.

This is what happens when someone puts a shadow over your thinking.

medicine au natural.

Last week on the Martha Stewart show there was a doctor there talking about natural ways of dealing with problems instead of being quick to seek a doctor’s assistance.

He said that in the 50s  1% of Americans had at least one prescribed medicine they were on (something like that) and that nowadays 81% of Americans have at least one prescribed medication.

I was amazed, but not really surprised. We are a society where we expect speedy service and instant results. Pop a pill and instantly feel better.

I’ve never been an advocate of medicine. In fact, if you’ve followed my blog you’ve read that I don’t really like going to see the doctor anyways. I’ve always believed that time and natural ways are really helpful. Since being in the field of psychology and learning more technically about some mental illnesses, I understand that medicine is sometimes a necessity.

But for me, I think I can change parts of my lifestyle and it will be a catalyst for feeling better.

The doctor said for anxiety to practice breathing techniques. For depression, try fish oil.

I am incorporating both of these into my daily routine. I am also going to cut back on my caffeine intake and start exercising more. I have just been doing basic crunches and sit-ups for starters whenever I feel like it. I’m going to try and be more regimented about it.

When I was 10 I wanted to be a bodybuilder. Honestly. I worked out religiously. My mother bought me Weider books and a Weider workout bench and I used the hell out of it. At night in my room I did lots of exercising. I may have been obsessed a little much for my age.

Regardless, I was in great shape. I had energy. I had abs. I felt happy.

I did this until I was about 16 when I got sick from it. I wasn’t eating enough calories to put up with my outtake. I weighed 96 lbs. I needed to get healthier and put off the exercising.

It all faltered from here.

When I was 24 I decided that I wanted to get in shape. I had been drinking and had put on weight on my ass. Running is too hard on my knees (pain from growing and weight-lifting simultaneously). I started walking. I would walk at a regular pace on Mondays. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I’d power-walk. Fridays I’d tear up the pavement. I started with a mile and would increase it every week.

I eventually got up to 8 miles a day before quitting due to cold weather. That’s 40 miles a week! I felt wonderful.

I would love to get back to that since walking and crunches focus on my target area.

I just need the motivation.

And a dogless neighborhood.

I found a classmate on Facebook who has gotten herself into awesome shape. I don’t want to be as muscular as she is. Her name is Carlene Steenekamp and her website is here. It’s very inspiring since she had 3 kids and was able to get her body in that kind of shape in just a year.

I just want to be firm and toned. No dunlap disease. No muffin-top. No cottage cheese.

Give me health, endurance and longevity!

And nice legs.

Are you with me or against me?

I hate how I allow stress from bills/finances to overwhelm me and make me an irritable and bitchy hag.

All of my life I have always felt like I need to be in control of situations…all situations that directly involve me, at least.  I am OCD, yes. If I feel helpless, then I feel weak and like I can be taken advantage of.

This control spills over into the lives of my husband and my child. I see it. I try to make them do things the way I want things to be done so that I can feel better about it. I went to therapy about this. I still need therapy about this, apparently. Or some nice calming medication. I am anxious as hell. I have a heart condition. I am a mess.

At work this past weekend I had a small anxiety attack.

I can not put trust for responsibility in others. It was so bad a few years ago when I started dating Mike I wouldn’t even let him drive because I was afraid he wasn’t a good enough driver and might get us killed. I slowly let him drive us around and I am still panicky when he drives sometimes.

I wish I could. just. relax.

My life is always, “Go! Go! Go!” Physically, mentally and emotionally. When I stop, I feel drained. So long as I stay busy I don’t feel tired or useless.

This is getting the best of me. I am falling apart mentally, physically and emotionally. And right now with money being crazy I feel like a wreck. I am trying to just let it be what it is and do the best I can, but it is so hard sometimes. I would just LOVE to have one day where I can sleep as long as I want to so I can feel rested.

I can’t keep holding my standards to others and then holding it against them when they don’t meet  them. They never will. I never could either.

Now what do I do?

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