I was reading through a forum at this site BeliefNet and it’s about how to deal with infidelity. I was reading through some of the posts and some really discouraged me and one woman I really related to.
But when I got to one specific post, I was really impacted by their explanation of what forgiveness means (in their definition). And I have to say it really helped me to open my heart up to it more and to be more understanding…..moreso when it comes to forgiving my husband.
I know it’s something I do for me, but it is because of his actions that I am facing this challenge.
Here is what the poster said, verbatim:
“Blame is a normal & natural reaction to loss. One feels as though you need to blame someone; your spouse, God, yourself, friends, or the one your spouse cheated with. It is easy, far too easy to turn someone into a scapegoat.
The problem with blame however is what it nourishes. Blame and anger work together to grow resentment. When you feed your anger with accusations and self justified shifting of responsibility, you will begin to seethe with resentment. from resentment springs forth bitterness. Bitterness is a slow disease that eats away at ones soul, it eats you from the inside out, but seldom affects the one your bitterness revolves around. It leaves you alone and lonely… Perhaps you can find a few on this thread who have suffered a lost, and have decided to forgive and move on? Perhaps there are some here who have decided not to forgive? Perhaps the contrast of the two views will help you decide what you wish to do?
In my opinion forgiveness is something you primarily do for yourself. It is giving yourself permission not to relive the hurt and pain each day. It’s saying you don’t need to focus on what should have been and what could have been. It’s giving yourself permission to move on. Forgiveness is an acknowledgment that I made a mistake, and that is okay life goes on… The world didn’t end because I made a mistake. Because I trusted. Forgiveness in one sense is about trust, it’s the acknowledgment that I trusted someone that perhaps I shouldn’t’ have at that point.
But I need to know that because I trusted, and that trust was abused, that it is okay for me to trust again. IMHO that is forgiveness the knowledge that it is okay to trust again. Yes I suffered a lost, something was taken, I experienced pain; hurt. But I lived through it, and I can trust again… IMHO there is nothing more hurtful than being married to someone that doesn’t trust you. I believe once you know that you can never really trust your spouse again you need to end your relationship. And someone you don’t really trust you have no business marring. Trust is such a foundational corner stone that so much else of marriage is built upon that without it you have nothing else of real value.Trust is a choice that we all choose to make, or not make. Trust is the knowledge that I am giving you a chance to hurt me, but I choose to believe in your goodness, rather than focus on your evilness. How much you trust another is about how big a chance you are willing to accept of them hurting you. We can hold someone at a distance, never letting them close, and all they can do is beat our hands, or we can let them closer, in past our defenses, and bare our heart to them. Ultimately for me life’s rewards are about how close I am willing to let another into my life, about how willing I am to bare my soul. Forgiveness is a willingness to bare my torn and abused heart to another. Forgiveness is the knowledge that my heart is no longer perfect, it has been bruised, kicked, punched, and stabbed, but yet I am willing to bare it to another, to my partner once again. That I’m willing to let them in past my defenses because I choose to believe in them…… A lack of forgiveness is an unwillingness to let them get close enough to hurt me again. It is the knowledge that they will hurt me given a chance, by choice! It is the idea that if I keep everyone away I’m safe from more pain, that if I keep them far enough away I will never hurt again… Unforgiveness is about fear, and mistrust of others, it’s about the belief one needs to always be on guard.”




